A Quick Shana Story For Jen

I can't remember how we got on the subject, although I know Shana shared way too much with me about why her stomach was hurting. I told my mother she was having rectum issues.
Shana: "No, I'm not!!! That's the thing in your eye, right????"

I've been HAD!!!

Blah-Blah-Blogger tagged me for a meme. Heregoes.

5 Things I Was Doing 10 Years Ago:
*Getting acne
*Cleaning my room
*Writing angsty poetry
*'Studying'
*Doing other high school nerdy things

5 Things On My To-Do List Today:
*Go to work
*Go home from work
*Prepare family for Christmas parade
*Go to Christmas parade
*Veeeeeg

5 Snacks I Love:
*Wheat Thins - Sundried Tomato and Basil
*Chocolate Chip Cookies
*Strawberry ice cream
*Fruit (especially with cream cheese dip)
*Pringles

5 Things I’d do if I was a Millionaire:
*Pay off house, cars, bills
*Build our house (with a ton of land)
*Rescue a shitload of alpacas, llamas, and peacocks
*Save enough for Kristen to be comfortable
*Help our families

5 Places I’ve Lived:
*Here, bitch.

5 Jobs I’ve Had:
*Telemarketer
*Pier 1 Associate
*Day Care Teacher
*Dog Trainer
*Admin Assistant Temp

And I tag Thatcoolbroad, Sara, and MaiSpd.

Kristen on Christmas Trees, MURPH, and Her Mama

A Very Special Thanksgiving Post, With Help From Shana

This is what Shana is teaching my child how to do.

Why My Gym Teacher Messed Me Up For Life

When I was in high school, my gym teacher had a special teaching day. She got all the girls in half of the gym (the boys were not invited(?)) to teach us all how to Be Assertive (beep beep!) and how to Not Get Abducted. This involved dragging a boy over into our side and demonstrating the different ways one Prevents Getting Abducted (this includes walking tall and firm, firmly saying "No!", and firmly walking away, while simultaneously being not wishy washy or too polite, and also not being too argumentative or feisty). To demonstrate this, she had him pretend to pick her up as she showed us the different response options, and what the abductor's predicted response would be.
She also demonstrated Safe Car Entrance. She showed us how you have to power walk to your car looking LEFT and RIGHT and LEFT and RIGHT. And while you do this you have to walk with your car key poking out of between your fingers so you can Stab Someone's Eye Out if need be. And while you are power walking and looking BACK and FORTH, you also must be looking under your car to make sure no one is hiding under there. Because they DO. They will HIDE under your car.
And then you have to look in the backseat of your car to make sure they are not hiding in there. Because they DO. They will HIDE in the backseat of your car. Remember the urban legend, girls!!!

That day RUINED me. For life. I cannot get into my car without feeling around in the backseat. Even in daylight, even if I just put Kristen in the backseat and was looking in there. Not sure what this will do, other than make them knife me from the hand up. But it's a complusion - I have to check or I can't drive. Also, I cannot stand with my feet anywhere near my car in case there is someone under there. This makes getting Kristen in and out of her carseat very awkward. But it is also a compulsion. Some nights, when it gets really bad, I have to put Kristen in, jump in the front seat, feel around, and then buckle her up from the front seat.

You now have gained another insight into my crazy psyche.

I might actually talk about everything still relevant on my list

Halloween Pictures!
They day the costume came, I was so excited I was squealing. I pulled it out by the head, Kristen took one look at it, and screamed in horrah. I had to wrestle her into it (mean, but I figured it was the only way for her to see that it was okay). She hated it at first, but grew to yub it. She named it Cheddar (we ask her to say peacock and it comes out sounding like the word Cheddar) and asks to wear it constantly.

And how about some Kristen pictures?

This is her cat head sock. She did not enjoy it at first, but I think she's realized how cozy warm it is and she likes it.
















Drama queen.

Me and My Malfunctioning Boobies

Don't worry. This isn't going to be a My Lovely Cervie type post (ps - that link is NSFW. Nor anyone with eyes).

This post, actually, is inspired by That Cool Broad's post about Angelina Jolie and breastfeeding. Like Angelina and TCB, I has a load of difficulties breastfeeding, and I do think that stories like these need to be shared.

Being an Early Childhood major, breastfeeding was never a second thought for me - I was just going to do it. I was mad at my mom for months after I found out I was formula fed. I refused to look at any formula while pregnant, I only wanted bottles that worked best with breastfeeding.
After Kristen was born and cleaned and everyone held her, the nurse shooed everyone out of the room and I got ready for the most magical moment of my life (because hey - I tore top and bottom and watched it, so the one I just had didn't count).
The pain was incredible. The nurse assured me that Kristen was just very eager and we kept trying.
I think my toes, at some point, actually touched the front of my legs above them. The nurse went to get the lactation consultant.
The LC announced that Kristen's tongue was moving strangely and tried giving her a pacifier (she explained that she ordinarily wouldn't, but it might help her figure out how to move her tongue. Nothing.
After more evaluation, it was discovered that Kristen had a collapsed nerve (either from the way she had been laying or the way the OB grabbed her when coming out) and her tounge was swollen, so she couldn't move it right. In addition, I had an inverted nipple, and Kristen had such an amazingly strong suck, the nurses couldn't even bear to watch me trying to nurse her. I had bottles, pacifiers, nipple shields, nipple guards, etc., scattered all over my room. I was double pumping every three hours and hysterical that my baby was starving and I couldn't even give her something to eat.
The LC brought in a little bottle of ready-made formula with a cut in the nipple, and a NICU feeding tube. She stuck the tube in the bottle, taped the tube to her finger, and fed Kristen that way (once again, in complete amazement at how hard Kristen sucked), using her finger to gently get Kristen's tongue out of the way. It worked.
So from then on, I continued pumping (feeling very much like a cow). I would then use a syringe to suck the colostrum out of the pump bottle, attached a feeding tube to the syringe, and fed her with my finger. I couldn't pump unless I was watching her (neat how that works, isn't it? It always flowed easier if I was watching her).
We left the hospital, and of course had to scramble around with a three day old trying to get bottles, a pump, a bottle brush, formula, etc. We picked everything up, but I had problems pumping, since I didn't have access to the hospital pump and was frustrated. We continued tube feeding her with a combination of the formula and what breast milk I could get out.
And THEN engorgment struck. There was no way I could squeeze my overlarged, hard as a rock and so painful I screamed if I moved too fast boobs into that little plastic funnel and start jerking them around. So I quit four days after I came home.
A few days later, we had to go back to the hospital for a checkup, where I announced that I quit. I got her the colostrum, she was doing fine, and we were both so much happier and less stressed once I gave up.

I have heard a ton of horror stories about lactacion consultants and their breast is best manta. I was really nervous.
But I have to say...if you have the option of having your baby at Geisinger Medical Center, do it. Don't think about it. I live an hour away and we drove there at midnight in amazingly heavy fog. And I don't regret it. The whole experience was awesome and I cannot begin to describe how excellent the LC team is. They never guilted me into anything. That nurse I had who first started with me? Stayed after her shift was over because she could tell how upset I was, and rushed over as soon as she saw us come back for the checkup, telling me how she hated to leave and how she was thinking about me, and how she wants to get her LC experience so she can help more. The head LC was nothing but helpful and comforting, did not question my decision to quit, and told me to call her crying if I needed to vent at any point. If I had had some of these people that I have heard about, I think I would have had a breakdown so bad that I honestly think they would not have let me go home with Kristen.
If any of the Geisinger labor and delivery nurses are reading this...I cannot begin to describe what having a supportive team did for me. Thank you.

Shana's boob cave

I was going to do Kristen pictures, but...the camera and cord are alllll the way in the other room.

I was at my mother's a few weeks ago, and Shana and I were watching TV. I looked over to see Shana grabbing her boobs, squeezing them together, tucking her head into them, and making snorkeling sounds. I was intrigued, and slightly weirded out, so I just sad there with my mouth in a questioning 'o'. (I do that a lot around my sister.)

She looked up and yelled, "WHEN I DO THAT I CAN HEAR AN ECHO!!!! LISTEN!!!!"

And I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make noise. I just sat there with my head tilted back shaking. Shana was offended.

That Pretentious Heffer (Glade KHAmercials)

Oh yeah, I was supposed to talk about all that, wasn't I?

Anyone who knows me in real life, and probably virtually too, now knows how I feel about the new glade campaign. Glade Plug Ins. Glade Spray. Glade Deodorizer. Glade Candles. Glade glade glade. Plug in Candle Room Mist EatMe.

Ha. That should get their blog-keyword-checkers sucked in. Now listen.
I HATE the Glade commercials. She is such a silly, pretentious, shallow woman. Who does the things she does? "It's French from France"?? Who expects her friends to believe she has candles imported from France? And she's always so overdressed and always get laughed at.
And WHY, in the name of my rtard dog Caden, would any marketing geneeous base a campaign on a woman who is actually too embarrassed to admit to anyone that she actually uses your product?? What sense does this make? Why? "Our products work really well but they're so trashy and low class you'll have to hide their use from everyone!!"

World...please start running things by me first.

Reason #186 Why I Am A Bad Mother

This morning, I remembered that all of Kristen's pants were downstairs in the dryer. So I sat her on the bed with her brush, and ran downstairs while she absentmindedly brushing through her hair, saying, "Awwww. Piiiiiity."
By the time I ran down two flights of stairs, grabbed a pair out of the dryer, and ran back up two flights of stairs, she had found the bottle of lube we keep at the top of the headboard, unscrewed it, dumped it all over herself and the whole bed, and refilled it with dead batteries Jason had on his side of the headboard.

I am not sure which part disturbs me about myself more:
1- We left the lube where she could get it
2- We left batteries where she could get them
3- At the age of one and a half, my daughter just naturally assumes that lube and batteries go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.

That part is making me giggle, becoming Reason #187 - Women who are actually 12 year old boys should NOT be mothers.

Lazy Friday Poll

Look in your cell, find three random texts in a row, and share them.
Mine (Sent)
"PARTY HARD, BIG ROZ!!!!!!!"
"He got some on his phone"
"I like to move it move it"

EDIT- PS: Ever since I posted this, I have been air-hula hooping to the I Like To Move It Move It song. I'm very white. I've also been into the Corona again. You can tell by the way I am not only air-hula hooping but also doing the robot.


I Like To Move It - Watch more funny videos here

PUDGIE'S, MAN DOWN!!!!!!!

As Jason was getting ready for work this morning, I was awakened by rock music blaring out of Jason's cell phone and it vibrating, shaking the whole headboard and making it BZZZZT. After I put my heart back in my chest, I tried to answer, but I missed it. I didn't recognize the number, so I laid back down. Jason came in to say goodbye about five minutes later, so I told him. He left the room to call, and came back in saying, "Oh crap! Get dressed, someone broke into all the cars on the block."
I got dressed and went outside. Sure enough, Jason's Miata had stuff strewn everywhere, there was an empty cop car on the street. Then I noticed Jason's stereo and radar detector were still in the car. I went over to Liz. Still looked exactly the same as I had left her. I snorted at everyone who has ever said, "Oh, you still can't be too careful! People will steal any kind of car!"
I realized I hadn't seen Jason's tomtom, but didn't want to open the door in case. A neighbor came out across the street (the one who drove me to work), so I ran over to tell her that she was wrong, no one wants anything to do with Liz. Her car was in her garage and safe. The officer came back around and we started talking. As another mark of our small town, both the neighbor and I instantly knew this officer was brand new because neither of us had ever seen him before, but once he said his name we both knew his relatives (he'd been on four months).
We did find Jason's tomtom. They didn't take any of that. They broke in (shutup, the door was unlocked. You're supposed to leave convertibles unlocked. If you don't, they'll get in anyway because they'll slice your top open, so just let them in the door), broke his glove box open, and left all that in there. They took his dimes in his console.
Yes that's what I said.
Similar stories happened all up and down the block. Everyone's things were safe, but they took the change. Someone's wallet was found stripped inside someone else's car. Another neighbor knew her whole family and called her to come over. She had had a one dollar bill in it. That was gone. Nothing else was.
The officer told us that the conveinence store clerk had someone come in around 2:30 this morning and paid for something in about $25 in change. Dumb.ass.
As we all stood in a big circle discussing this, the officer told us that he had already investigated all the cars and took pictures, everyone's driver door had been left open, letting him know which cars had been hit. And everyone looked at me and started laughing. Oh THAT'S why Liz wasn't touched. That door hasn't worked in months, giving everyone an opportunity to stop what they are doing, watch, and laugh as I scramble over my seat to get in and out of my passenger side door.

HA! Liz...screwing owners and criminals alike since 1996.

Californians = the cat hair in my oatmeal.

Really now. I went to bed this morning SO HAPPY AND INSPIRED. And I wake up to find Prop 8 teetering on the edge? Why? I really do not understand.

But I still am extremely proud of my state (we had his back all along) and relieved at how everything turned out. McCain's speech was incredibly gracious and exactly what was needed. I do like him as a person, although of course I disagree on just about everything he stands for. I believe him when he speaks (which is why I was so outraged with him in the election), and believe he truly loves his country. The things his campaign got away with a straight face, I'll never get over, and Palin...thank god. I won't be doing my blog about her, because it's pointless now (thank god).
I hope McCain's speech was taken to heart, and he is involved in the new administration. I think it would be an amazing first step to unite the country, comfort Republicans who are afraid they will no longer be heard, and send an even better message to the world. It would be interesting to see how they could make it work without either person having to compromise their beliefs, but I really hope the shared sentiments last night were sincere.

Let's hope that, no matter what you believe, this means change for the better. My daughter will grow up not even having a second thought about a black person being able to become president, and that is very exciting to me.



NOW LET THE GAYS MARRY! WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU????

"K!! COH-MMAH!! K!! COH-MMAH!!"

Never mind all that, although those who had my middle school typing teacher are screaming right now.

So, I always get all these blog post ideas in my head, and then forget them. So I'll post them here so I'll remember. I discovered that they are all (ish) connected by the Kuh sound.
HEM HEM!

1. KHAenley KHAollins
2. The KHAoncert
3. Sarah Palin (Stop...*pushing it away*. *Deep, pushing, breaths*. There. I put it away, I am a BIG GIRL. I will leave you all to devise your own ways to connect Sarah Palin to c-words.
   
4. Shana's KHAvernous KHAleveage
5. My fears about KHArs (no, not about how Liz is a hunKHA of KHArap. Just any vehicle.)
   
6. My old bitchah KHAittah
7. The Glade KHAmmercials
   
8. By the time I am done with all these, a post about KHAristen's Halloween stume will probably be in order.
9. Speaking of which, she has a too KHAute KHAt head sock. I die. Die, die, die.

I think that covers it.

I really, honestly, shit you not.

THURSDAY!
Not SUCH a bad day. I did manage to get my foot tangled in my phone cord, which sent me flying when I tried to walk away from my desk, sending my phone into meellions of pieces and everyone flying over to find my dumb ass lying on the floor.

FRIDAY
Late for work. Doors up front all locked again, had to walk all over fucking building to get in.
Started coffee. Walked to desk. Boss came over and asked what happened. I looked out and I had somehow made the coffee grinder holder shoot out and grinds had exploded all over the hallway. No really, I shit you not.
After work, I had to run through midcity (on a Friday) to the temp office to turn my hours in (because I still don't have an ACTUAL JOB. They haven't hired me yet, and with the punctuality I had this week, I'm probably looking REAL impressive) and thought about getting a Wendy's Cookie Dough Frosty. Have you TRIED those???? Oh my god. My new favorite treat EVER. So I drove and drove, realllllly starting to crave one. I deserved one, after the week I had. I pulled up to the drive through window. Oh god I wanted one so bad. I ordered one and then realized I DIDN'T HAVE MY CARD WITH ME.
WHAT THE FREAK, KARMA???? I HAVE MY PERIOD!!!! Cut me some...FRIGGEN slack!!

So you know what? I drove home, got my card, drove to the pizza place, and got a six pack. Bottom fucking up, baby.

PS - you have no idea how much concentration and effort I had to put into writing this.

ENJOY YOURSELVES!!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!!

No, this is not where I talk about the concert (I still have to get the pictures from Jason, and it's not the same without pictures). That was me talking about the laugh at my expense you're about to get.

Horrifically awful week. I swear to yer mom, no part of what you are about to read is made up or even slightly exaggerated. One, you can't make this shit up, and two, I would NEVER joke about yer mom. Except for, you know, when I'm making jokes about yer mom. Let's break it down.
Monday
-Car trouble, 15 min late for work
-All front doors at work locked, walked allll the way around building, alllll the way back, and allll the way through the factory to get to office
-Notimetothink busy
-Came home to find Barkley made diarrhea on floor
-Couldn't get exercise DVD to work
-Went to pick up Krissy, locked self out of car with it running
-Came home after rescue by Jason to find Barkley made diarrhea on the floor
-After cleaning, dogs came in from outside and got mud everywhere
-Long cry

Tuesday
-Car trouble, 15 min late for work
-Notimetothinkbusy
-Got period
-Got period while wearing tan pants
-Had no equipment and no change (damn fickle IUD)

Wednesday
I got up nice and early for work in case of car trouble. None. WHEWT! As I pull away, a black cat I have never seen before went slinking across the road, glowing his eyes at me, and I think, oh crap. Then I thought, "This can't happen. Something this cliche-supersticious happens, you know nothing will actually go wrong." Dropped Kristen off, drove the three miles to get on the highway, and merged with traffic.
Liz failed me.
Made it about a mile down highway before she went completely dead. I got out my purse to call Jason, who probably hadn't left for work yet.
Where the HELL-- where's my phone???
Sonofabitch. I stared down at my three-inch, wobbly heeled, frilly, flouncy, girly stilletos. Peep toe. Stared out at pitch black, windy highway (6:30 in the morning). Sighed, made sure to put keys in purse, and started teetering along. Do you KNOW how much dead shit is along the highway? Cars were flying past me. I had about four miles to go to make it back to my parents, hoping my dad hadn't left yet, and my toes were frozen.
As I hobbled to the entrance ramp, a car pulled over. I had already decided to take it unless the person was obviously crazy, I was just going to tell them that I had seen West Side Story and stilltetos could be used as weapons. Luckily, the driver was female and looked kind of bitty, so I figured I could take her if need be. She said she saw me wobbling along, saw the car, and decided to turn around. I could have hugged her. Turns out, she was Jason's fifth grade teacher and knew Jason's mom (I live in that kind of place.) She took me home, where I thanked her profusely and walked up to the door. Jason had gone, but I could take his truck after I called work.
But where were my keys? I dumped out my purse. I dumped out my pockets. I shook my ass a bit. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY KEYS??? I distinctly remembered putting them in my purse!
FRICK.
(Or, as my mini sailor would say, ssssssit.)
I opened the gate and walked out back, hoping that I had been the last one to leave the dogs in, subsequently forgetting to lock the door. Locked. I walked over to the side door. I also forget to unlock that one. Jason had the sunroom filled to capacity with cardboard ready to recycle. At this stage, it's kind of at the point where it is so ridicolous you start getting into it, you know? So I did a big swan dive, arms outstretched to the door (moment of panic when I realized I was going to be landing boob first, but I righted myself in time).
LOCKED.
I vaguely remembered hearing about being able to unlock doors with credit cards. So I scrambled back over the mountain and went back out front to get my purse. Where are my lazy neighbors, anyway? Why aren't any of them awake yet so I can use their phones? Lsrs. I swan dove back over the mountain and began my mission.
Jason, if you are reading this, GOOD JOB on the weatherstripping you did back there. NOTHING is getting though.
Dove back over cardboard. Went to front door and tried credit card trick there. And, in no time at all...
















My front door was still locked, although now I had a credit card stuck in my door to boot.
After heaving myself against the door and plantively myeaaaaahing against it, I finally saw a neighbor in his driveway. The new ones. Sure. Stacy doesn't get to know them with pie or flowers, as I had taken nothing over there yet. Stacy just delves right into I AM CRAZY.
I walked over and asked to use his phone. He let me in and I started making phone calls. While talking with my boss, the woman said that she would take me, as she and her husband both work in the city. We got in and started chatting. She used to work with Jason's dad and was hired at the company instead of Jason, they are in the same field and have already been chatting about. I told you. THAT kind of place. She was extremely suprised to hear that I am 23, as I have 'such a mature and sopisticated look'.
Conclusion - no one can see into the windows of my sunroom from anywhere in her house.

And that concludes my week so far. I still can't quite believe it myself.

TOM (That Other Movie): Thought I was exaggerating, DIDN'T YOU??

Well, guess what, sunshine?
I MEANT EVERY WORD.
Best Scenes From The Happening

APFS review coming next.

I am auf to the Australian Pink Floyd Show concert of The Wall

TTFN, bitches!

Best Understanding Of The College Student

Shana was all frenzied the other day when I came from work to pick up The Swiss Miss. A cult had invaded their school courtyard and was handing out leaflets and fliers and crying on about the dangers of homosexuality, premarital sex, marijuana use, and a bunch of other things (No, this is NOT the place where I hand out the "Best Understanding Of The College Student" award). They grabbed her, but she ran away. She then got a text telling her to come outside. She did, and an awesome protest had started, with college students throwing condoms and such at the cult. The police showed up and started milling about, snickering when the college crowd screamed something clever and lewd back at the church members.
Shana's college is well-known for being, well, scissor happy, ifyaknowwhatI'msayin. This has given Dad and I endless material for lezzie jokes at Shana's expense (as if we needed them, even Shana admits that we are hilariously cutting and very, very clever), and does NOT make for the best environment for hate mongers to come in and start spewing their crap. An example from Shana:
Hatemongers: "Homosexuality is evil! All gays should be stoned!"
College Kid: "Marijuanaaaaaaaaaaa!"
College Crowd: "Whewwwwwwwwwwwwt!"
This went on for several hours. Then, Shana told me how the police finally ended it, and I sat in awe at the sheer geniousity of it all.
They all got together...and ordered pizza. Then they had it delivered to somewhere else on campus. Then...THEY ANNOUNCED IT TO THE CROWD.

And all the college kids left and went and ate the pizza. Whim wham.
These guys need awards.

Ok, let's be fair and look at the other side of things.

The Best Birth Control In The World

This has been my life. For two days. All day. All night. All. night. Every half hour. All. night.

Please excuse my severe ugliness and my lack of webcam skills. All. night.




Over and over. Two days. Twice as loud. In my ear.

My eighteen month old is

THREE FEET TALL. And she weighs twenty-five pounds.

Oh, and some things

1. I took the music down
2. I put my IM info up (in profile)
3. I have narrowed in on my location further
4. Further or farther? I never know and the spell check is no help.

I'm GOING THERE.

I have very politely kept my fingers shut tight during the whole political process. Very...very...tight. But no more. I open my brain. Ignore that smell coming out.

I have been watching everything, both Democrat and Republican, very intently. My main focus has been on Sarah Palin. I am very, very, frightened. I am, indeed, happy that an everyday mom has built her career up so that she is in this position. But please, NOT this one.
First of all - it is an insult to Palin to be nominated. She was McCain's attempt at being dramatic, him trying to prove himself as a mover and a shaker, and most of all a MAVERICK (because he's a MAVERICK in case you haven't heard, and did you know he was also a PRISONER OF WAR?). She is completely inept and inexperienced, and it is very obvious that she is on the ticket simply because she has a uterus.
Second of all - Any woman considering voting for her because she is a woman needs to stop being so sexist and really take a look at her. She is NOT going to help your feminist views in any way. And shut up with the fake drama, those of you on my side. I don't CARE that she can't control her daughter's reproductive system. I care that she wants to control mine. I don't CARE that she may or may not have flirted with a coworker. I care that she is against gay marriage. Can we please talk about actual important things?

I feel like McCain is going to step up at some point and say, "I can't believe you rtards FELL for this crap!!" and point at us and laugh. And we will go cry in a sad corner. OH MY GOD HE'S ON MY TV SAYING WARSHINGTON AGAIN IWILLKILLTHESCREENWITHASTILLETO. But carrying on. Let's look at the irony of everything.
1 - McCain blasts Obama for having a campaign focused on change. Suddenly has campaign focused on change.
2 - Obama then develops a "John McCain - more of the same" slogan (a rhyme which made me giggle every time). McCain develops a "More Of The Same" slogan.
2b - How is it that McCain slams Obama for having no experience, and at the same time, portrays Obama as being the main villain behind the way Washington has been being run?
3 - Yeah. That whole 'no experience' thing. And the Republicans' comeback for this is, but she has executive experience, and Obama has NONE! NONE! McCain has none, either.
3b - One of Jason's coworkers, who is a staunch Republican, has stated that she will have PLENTY of experience because she is being prepped and crammed for it right now. So 143 days on the Congress floor is a BAD BAD THING, but a 60-day crash course in the Big Wide Earth makes one qualified.
4 - They actually, seriously, expected us to be happy with her foreign policy experience because Russia and Alaska are like THIS CLOSE. That wasn't even the SNL doing, that was SERIOUS.
5 - No, honestly, they MEANT THAT.
6 - "I told Congress, "Thanks but no thanks on that Bridge To Nowhere. I told them if we wanted a bridge, we'd build it ourselves." Jesus CHRIST. Even AFTER it came out that she had originally pushed for the bridge, only rejected it when her constituents came out as against it, and kept the 400 million anyway, she continued to say this line. Word for word. That, along with the line about her husband being a champion snow machine racer, and the horrid pit bull joke, make me cringe. GET SOME EFFING NEW MATERIAL. ESPECIALLY after the truth has come out, repeating these things makes you look so assy!
7 - Palin blasted Clinton during the primaries for complaining about sexism. This is all I feel needs to be said.
8 - McCain told us, in the typical Bush way, that the fundamentals of the economy were strong and not to worry. A week later it was such a catastrophe that he had to immediately forgo his campaign to concentrate on single-handedly fixing it. Because he's a MAVERICK. It's what he DOES.

I couldn't decide which comparison I liked better...so I'll post them both.

Sarah Palin and Miss Teen USA South Carolina
Sarah Palin and Billy Madison

Movie Review: Nights In Rodanthe (spoiler free)

3 out of 5 stars

YES I ADMIT IT!! I am a big Nicholas Sparks fan. Yes, he is sappy and overemotional and fluffy and manipulates your heart, but damn it I love a good sappy cry (ex 1 - I finally read The Memory Keeper's Daughter last night. Jason walked past me for at least an hour and I was bawling every time. Then I picked Kristen up and howled into her). So when I heard that my second favorite book of his was being made into a movie, I made Jason take me to opening night. He was NOT thrilled about sitting through a sappy chick flick, but did as he was told. *whip cracking*

Previews: I don't know, we walked in just as the trailer for Bolt was finishing and the movie was beginning. Hamster still cracks my shit up. Marley and Me is coming out in December. Since Jason and I, as well as both sets of parents, are retriever families, our lips started wobbling at the idea of it.

I was pretty disappointed with it at first. I hate when movie makers change details from the books for no apparent reason at all (ask anyone who has been at a midnight Harry Potter premiere with me). In the book, Adrienne has two sons and a daughter. In the movie, she only has Danny and Amanda. Her father has passed in the movie, although in the book he is living in a nursing home. The Jill Torrelson story line was nowhere near as detailed and heart wrenching as it played out in the book. And speaking of that, the movie on the whole was nowhere near as serious and heart wrenching as the book. They tried too hard to make it light hearted, and I think that was a disservice to the plot. And they added so many cheesy, hokey things - there is no spirit god room in the book, no corny wild ponies, and in the book they actually boarded up the house BEFORE the hurricane hits, and there is no damage (NOT THAT THEY NOTICE).

The book begins with Amanda all grown up with two sons, and a recent widow, as her husband has just died of testicular cancer. Adrienne, now about sixty, sits Amanda down and retells the story. The movie takes place in the present, as the story unfolds, which I think is one of the main reasons the overall tone was different. It got better as it went on, although they left out far too much of Paul's background story. The timing was all messed up. The bathtub scene had been deleted (Jason was v. disappointed, I promised him boobies).

I did not cry, but I knew what was coming. I heard a lot of gasps and sniffles around the theater, and I heard a lot of people who loved it as we were walking out. It was all right, but I really wish it had been handled the way the book was written. Jason liked it more than he had expected to. The scenery was fantastic, although the Inn looked really different than I expected it to, and that was jarring. My family and I used to take beach vacations to the Carolinas every year, and it is my favorite place, it really make me miss it. And there was a line about Hurricane Bertha, which made me giggle because we were down there for that and got evacuated.

Now, the day I hear that The Rescue is coming out, I will burst into spontaneous tears right there. They have to do it. He named the main character Denise after the producer of Message In A Bottle and The Notebook, and I noticed Denise Di Novi did this one too. So she HAS to do her namesake, right??

And wow. The girl who plays Amanda looks EXACTLY like Shana.

Just don't ask how many times she jammed the paper shredder

I have a temp job as an administrative wench, being split between a marketing and quality department. There is a possibility of being hired, which I am very excited about, and am trying my hardest to prove myself indispensable. They will, at least, recognize that I am good for entertainment value.

Shortly after 7 am, my boss walked into the room where I was scan archiving and began speaking to me. In German. I gave him my best, "Sir, I have been awake since 5 AM. See that pot of coffee? Hey - look at that. I made coffee. For all of you. Please keep me and put my ass through MBA school. But anyway. That coffee? Noyt done yet. And you are speaking to me in a foreign language" look.
By the way - that is a LOT of things to convey in a single look for someone awake since 5 AM but no coffee. But I did it.
He said, "Come on, you went to *** high school! They teach you German there!"
"Yes, but I didn't take it," I said.
Man started talking at me in Spanish.

Now, I did take four years of Spanish, including Spanish AP, and know enough to be able to survive in a Spanish speaking country if the people are nice and speak slowly and simply. But, again, this was 6:50 in the morning and I had no coffee. Wanting to appear well-rounded, educated, and impressive, however, I panicked and yelled, "ME GUSTA TE OMBLIGO!!!"
He stared at me.
I stared back.
He cracked up and walked away.




For those puzzled - yes, that does indeed mean, "I like your belly button."

I hate my life.

More pictures of the chicklet

I will never, NEVER, move to California.

What 289K will buy you in my area:
This 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 3,000 sq. foot home includes fireplaces, hot tubs, cathedral ceilings, a deck, thermal windows, and is in a lovely private setting.











What 287K will buy you in Pacifica, CA:
1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 60 year old THIS (seen on It's Lovely, I'll Take It!)




Oh, come on, Stacy! It's California, real estate is much

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

A fairly accurate picture of my usual life

I say 'fairly' because you have to look at this and then add in a sheepdog (who was sleeping on the floor) and two more cats (I'm not sure where they were, usually the four come flying over when anyone sits...perhaps they are under the dog?), and a toddler (who was sleeping, the only reason anyone could hold still long enough to take a picture).

Oh, and look...I'm SMILING!! It's coming along. Thank you all for the kind comments, IMs, and other messages. They truly perked me up when I read them.

Haven't felt like being humorous

I am in the middle of a very deep depression and I am having a really hard time. I will be back to make you laugh at some point.

I think I have another ovarian cyst.

Fucking ow.

Lesson Of The Day

Haddock does NOT = saute. Tilapia = saute. Haddock + Saute = Crumbly mess.

Still tasted good, though.

















Also, some grown-up preschooler came and ate my toddler overnight!

LIFE UPDATE

I am working extremely hard on figuring out my new webcam so I can video blog. It is NOT going well.

So continue to do the fork in the garbage disposal while you wait.

So I am blogging from my new laptop.

I have the fingerprint scanner set up. I was practicing using the touch screen - you may be getting a handwritten blog if possible (don't worry, I have really good handwriting - working with preschoolers does that). I still need to get all my documents and pictures and bookmarks and music transferred from my old desktop. I can watch DVDs. And there's a webcam in it.

Girl's weekend was excellent. My head hurts. I have new toys and a new appreciation for good pizza. Can't wait for the next. Pictures (don't worry, not ALL of them ;) ) will be posted at some point...the one thing this doesn't have (I think) is a built-in card reader, so I will have to find my cable.

Oh, and my blog is top on another Google Search!

For those of you who found me by searching "shana's vagina" and than hitting "I'm feeling lucky"...your intuition was a little off.

I need some gays. Anyone willing to sign up?

Even more than I need someone to follow me around and yell "badaCHA!" at my jokes, I need a gay man best friend or two. I feel sad that I don't have any. There aren't any here. I need one to shop with and pick out clothes with and drink appletinis with and make IFYAHKNOWWHATI'MSAYING jokes about men's penises with. I'd prefer Daniel from Shear Genius. Than he can do my hair too. But there's probably a really long waiting list for him.

*sigh* I lead a cold, empty life.

OHMYGODTomorrow's Friday.

I just got so excited when I realized that.

And then I got super excited when I realized it's not just ANY Friday. This weekend is girls' weekend! Amaretto sours and hot tubs ahoy!

But don't worry, guys, I'm not going to get drunk and embarrass you like I did last time.










Or the time before.






























It is *really* hard to type with my fingers crossed.

COME ON NOW

The latest search hits have been "Caden watcher stripper" and "my sister's nipple".

I think I am attracting the wrong demographic.

Uh-oh. And I only live a few hours away from the birth of Sheetz.

Would you like to know whose site pops up first if you google "Sheetz Fat Burner Smoothie"?

Thanks for the warning, site meter.

EDIT: AND AND AND
Someone also found me by searching "Fisting Pomp".

And "Get Smart Retard Stable Boy". Not as exciting, though.

Movie Review: The Dark Knight (all the way) (spoiler free)

I've even done my best to make up for the lateness.

Jason and I went to the 10:00 showing on Friday (so it had been showing approximately every three hours for 22 hours). It sold out.
Number of Kids Under Eight: 4
Number of Kids Who Didn't Make It Through: 3
Audience Members Who Saw That Coming: All

Really...it's not a kids movie, people. Pay attention (although 8 Mile wasn't, either, and that was filled with obnoxious tween boys). Jason and I amused ourselves by yelling, "TWO! THREE!" as soon as people would walk in with kids. And by the end, everyone else had picked up on what we were doing and joined in. Great fun was had by all, except for the other parents who had also figured us out.
There were also stupid college kids running around yelling BATMAN in their Cartman In The Special Olympics voices. It seemed to suit them.
Trailers:
The Mummy, sadly, has jumped the shark (and with a three headed dragon, too). Jason and I are huge fans of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, but this just looks bad.
There is a kids movie coming out about a white husky who thinks he is a wonder dog because he plays one on TV. Kristen better get old enough to take very soon, because that hamster cracked my ass up.
I had *no* idea they were making another Terminator. It looks excellent!
The new James Bond is at dangerous shark-jumping level. Apparently Bond gets kicked out of the team, shunned by M, and goes galloping off on his own with his former coworkers after him. I'm not sure how far they can take this, lets hope they get back on track by the end.
Hmm...I know there were more, but they must be lame because I have no memory of them.

This baby is two hours and forty minutes long, and you sit through it without taking a breath. The only possible thing they could have maybe done without is the Two Face storyline - that seems to drag it out just a tad too far, and make everything a tad too complicated - but that is me reaching to find a drip of excess. The movie is fast past, exciting, and really WHAM BANG OH MY GOD THE PENCIL TRICK never saw it coming.
The opening scene with the clown robbers/introduction of the Joker is excellent, and filled with the OH THAT BUS DRIVER moments I was just talking about. The movie, which already has you enthralled, hits you over the head repeatedly, and I almost always loved it (for those of you who have seen it WHICH SHOULD BE ALL OF YOU, I'm sure you're also thinking of the warehouse scene right now).
Heath Ledger is amazing. The walk, the stare, the tongue flicks, the way he moves his mouth and sucks on his cheeks - oooo it gives me the chills remembering. He deserves every single ounce of praise that everyone is giving him. The world has lost an amazing actor, who could have done so much more. Forget Brokeback Mountain - this is his best performance (and I loved what he did with the emotional turmoil of Ennis). And he's funny. Not in the Jack Nicholson way, but funny. When asked by the mob, "Do you think you can just burst in and rob us blind?", he considers, then nods and says, "Yeah." There is a scene when he is blowing up a building, and walking away from it as it seems like every room in the place blows up. He stops, turns and stares, throws up his arms, and begins furiously pushing the detonator. The building finally blows up with such force the audience began whooping, and he bounces away.
Amazing as Ledger was, I assumed that most of the hype and accolades for the movie was based on his performance and subsequent death. It's not. The Joker was perfectly played, and yet does not overshine the rest of the movie - it's ALL that good. Maggie Gylennhaal plays her part nicely, and Aaron Eckhard IS Harvey Dent. And Christian Bale. Yeah. Man can fill out the Batsuit. WhatIwouldn'tgivetobethattackybelt.
The toys and gadgets Batman has access to are very well done, if not a little over the top (there is a kidnapping mission to Hong Kong that's a bit out of place feeling). There is a scene where a tractor trailer flips, longwise, on its back, where the entire audience was whooping and screaming.
The plot: They blow things up. But it does have a lot of deep, dark stuff. The Rachel storyline is amazing. The moral line (Is Batman a hero or menace? Does Gotham even need him? Should Dent step up and Batman step out? Should Batman give in, or stay strong, even if people are dying?) And I loved the ferry quandry.

Bottom Line: You MUST see this movie. Even if you didn't see Batman Begins. I have not (yet...I will be now), and you can tell that you are missing some background, but it is an amazing story and easy to follow all the same. Go see this!

Still Not About Christian Bale

Barkley got a complete shavedown yesterday as part of the testing for the groomer my kennel has hired. Kristen has no idea what this strange naked thing is. She points at him constantly and says, "Waaassshhaaaaat? Who IS at? Waaaaassssshhhat?" I tell her, "Barkley." She looks at me, laughs uncertainly as if she thinks she is being tricked, and says, "Wassshhhhhhaaaattttt?"

Some insight into her confusion.

Before









After

So, I'll skip ahead a topic

My next catch up was to be the full review of The Dark Knight, and then I was going to talk about the amazing angle Katherine Heigl can reach with her nose. But it appears that everyone else is talking about it, so I will make my blog Relevant To The World.

She's very pretty. She's Jason's freebie. Jason likes to watch Grey's Anatomy (not that I already have it on or anything, I don't watch such mindless filth I can't lie to you people) and talk about how George must be gay like the actor who plays with him if he can resist THAT. He likes Heigl especially because he can say these things and not only do I not get mad, but I admit that I CAN'T get mad because I'd probably have her too if given the choice.

When Vanity Fair asked about her role in Knocked Up, she replied, “It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as goofy, fun-loving guys...It was hard for me to love the movie.” And yeah...it did. But obviously, she's never been pregnant. I thought it was pretty on target. Uptight and shrewish? Yes. An accurate portrayal of the ridiculous, anal, and emotional hormones that pregnancy brings out? Yes.

Her latest controversy is her decision to pull her name out of Emmy contention, stating that, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy consideration and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention...In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials." And again...yeah. I see her point (and still...I watch it). But what a slap in the face to the show who got her her start. And to the writers that she was just walking the picket lines (yes, in front of the cameras) for. And what, exactly, is she DOING in this show, and in Knocked Up, if she thinks so little of it? In an interview last year with EW, she states: "In this town, women who don't just snap and say, `OK, yes sir, yes ma'am,' start to get a reputation for being difficult...But within the last five years, I've decided it's not worth it to me to be pushed around so much." But I don't think that's what she's doing. Not allowing oneself to be steamrolled does not equal talking shit about the projects you've willingly participated in, months afterwards.

It has been said that Heigl is looking to get fired from her contract with GA so she can focus on movies full-time. But is this the best way to go about it? If you were a director (or whoever does the casting decisions...I'm not sure), and you had Heigl and another actress of equal talents (lets say, oh, Jessica Alba, whom I have other issues with), and you took a second to review how she talks about the former and current projects she's worked on...would you take her?

Although Shondra Rhimes has dismissed it as just a rumor, I hear that the writers of GA are giving Izzy a brain tumor instead of firing her from the show. It makes me laff.

Let's Start At The Very Beginning

My laptop is here, but I'm just staring at it in the box because I'm afraid to take it out without Jason being here to set it all up. This is a replacement keyboard, that I am not allowed to use as a plate.

This is us at the fair a few weeks ago.
Yes...that is a baby fawn. Licking the inside of my nostril. I honestly didn't see it coming, they are usually so shy that it takes a lot to get them to look at you. I was so excited that it turned around to see me, and then SHABANG!

Usually they just suck on your earlobes.

Yes...the fact that I know so much about baby fawns makes me a hick. What of it?






Kristen would have none of it's tomfoolery. She was afraid of them, sadly. Horses, she LOVES, she freaks out whenever we saw them. She loved the goats and screamed with excitement when one of them tried to eat her stroller tray. Two giant ugly pigs got into a fight and started screaming and she laughed her head off.

Cute, sweet baby deer who will just lay beside you and let you stroke them? Fuhgetaboutit.





In the end, she did respond to force. She barely tolerated them, but she did it.

QUICK, I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!

My keyboard is dying. Sometimes, every time I open up a window with any sort of text box or bar in it, the letter xxxxx just keeps typing itself until I manage to get the window shut. Other times, the keys just won't work at all. I have discovered unplugging, plugging, and a bunch of violence will temporarily work. But fear not! I am getting a brand spankin new laptop within the week (it has a TOUCH SCREEN and a DRAWING PAD and probably the missing link as well), so things will be back to normal. In the meantime -
1. I will be posting an actual review of The Dark Knight. I just was too wiggly with joy to do it properly.
2. Thatcoolbroad - what I was trying to say was, "Are you kidding me? I've been having Batman fantasies (both masked and of Bruce Wayne) ever since!" And he won't quit making my crotch twitch.
3. AnotherDay - I will be posting fair and Krissy pictures as well.
4. I shall also be discussing Katherine Hiegl and how the stick up her ass must really make it hurt to sit down.
5. I shall probably also discuss how Jason reading the words "Katherine Heigl" and "up her ass" probably just earned him a Bruce Wayne AND Batman-worthy crotch twitch.
6. Adrienne - squealing "It's Like Playing Charades!" while I am painstakingly searching out, copying, and pasting every.single.letter as I try to IM with you is not being a supportive friend, or as I said last night, "u h o".
7. And so on and so forth such as for our children's future.

Movie Review: Batman: The Dark Knight

Omf-gahholyFUCKmostawesomethingevahtp.

The Piss In My Fruit And White Chocolate Parade

Today I suffered a 40 minute (round trip) car drive to an appointment that turned out to be a giant waste of time. Pissy before this, I was filled with rage unequivical to the situation. Needing gas anyway, I decided it was time to try a Sheetz smoothie. You know - smoooooooo-THIE. I LOVE smoothies. I love anything fruity. So I got some gas, went in, ordered a Wildberry Lemonade smoothie with Fat Burner, and inexplicibly, got some white chocolate Reeses and cookies n cream Hershey Bars (at least they cancelled each other out, right?). Mmm. I was about to embark on a white chocolate fruity trip. My favorite. I walked up to the counter to wait. The food maker (what would Sheetz call them? Sharistas?) smiled at me as he made it. I smiled back. He's been my eye candy since college. Sometimes we make love with our eyes.
Or maybe I'm eye-raping him and he's just being friendly. *turns head thoughtfully*
Fruity smoothie. White chocolate. Man candy. Everything perked back up.
I got and paid for my bitchbusters and started walking out the door. I took a sip of my coveted Sheetz Smoothie and my internal monologue yelled, "OHMFGAH! SO not worth it!!"
And then everyone around me was staring at me. Panicking, I mentally reviewed, and realized, yes, that HAD just come out of my mouth.
I smiled brightly (Luckily, Sharisto was not in sight, so his ego was not crushed forever) and walked away quickly, sipping on my smoothie (which, really, wasn't bad, but too watery). The embarrassment mixed with the melted candy (seriously, five minutes down the road and both candy and whipped cream was melted - it's THAT hot here) put me back into my bad mood. And then as I got to the bottom of my smoothie, there was this BLACK POWDER CAKING THE BOTTOM. MY FAT BURNER. DAMN GOODFORNOTHINGBUTEYECANDY SHARISTO!

!!




Did anyone else have a teacher that had you blend a bowl of high in iron cereal and then run a magnet over it to watch the iron flakes come out? I liked that experiment. I was trying to tell Shana about it earlier.

I will NEVER not laugh at this. Not even thinking about it.

This links to an audio clip and is NSFW, Ks, or anyone churchy.

This is the funniest thing ever. I can't stop laughing. I was rocking back and forth in my chair crying. I made Jason came down and we were holding each other up snorting (it didn't help that it reads word for word like the breakup letter from Jason's ex).

I expect assless chaps and cat-o-nines from everyone!

Leather IS the traditional third year anniversary present, after all!

Yes...it was three years today that Jason and I took the plunge (and two years today that we took that trip to celebrate that messed my damn birth control all up).

Hmm...what else can I come up with for dates for today?
We began dating 6 years ago.
Got engaged 5 years ago.
Got married 3 years ago.
So are we corny cheesy saps or WHAT?

PICTURES!

This one definitely gets a "Is This Really My Life" label

Yesterday, I learned that it is NOT always better to go commando. Luckily, the situation happened within my least favorite week of the month, so I was covered.

My jeans I wore to work yesterday had a big hole in the ass. Right by the pocket. No one told me. Shana finally pointed it out to me. My hot pink panties were merrily showing through.

But HEY...at least I wasn't naked underneath my holy jeans.

UPDATE

Jason is building me my own site. My first step to taking over the world has been hatched.

What do you think I should call myself? lifeloveandorganizedchaos.com is available, but rather long, isn't it? organizedchaos.com is taken. Organized-chaos.com may be - it pulls something up but it's blank. mylifeinblurb.com is not taken.

What to do...what to do.

Whoever picks my site name gets something. Adrienne, you are already getting something for winning my Blog Image contest. Shana is designing it and Jason is making the button. What do you want? A t-shirt? A mug? A second round of dry humping when we see each other again in August (not that you have much choice about that)?

I am attempting to make a poll to ask your opinions about the music.

But Blogger hates me. I can't do anything with this site.

WHEN CAN I HAVE A SITE OF MY OWN, JASON??? WHEN??

Until then, I will make do with asking you all to comment on it instead. Here are your options.

a - I like it!
b- Take it off, I'm at work!
c- Ugh. You have no taste and I hate it.

And today I held her sister.

Who weighs all of one pound. And squeaked and snuggled up and fell asleep. So I rubbed up her six sisters and brothers, who squeaked and crawled around and made me melt.

I am drooling with want.

Things I Never Thought I'd Have To Tell People

1 - No...we cannot take your chihuahua for the day and have it completely housebroken.
2 - No...we do not let the cats outside. Nor do we let them 'mingle' with the fifty plus dogs running madly around jumping on each other's heads.

Seriously, people??

Yesterday I got to hold a Greater Swiss Mt Dog puppy who was approximately six hours old. Euh em gee. I waaaaaannnnnnnnt her. I neeeeeeeeeed her. I know where she lives.

WHYTHEFRICKISTHERENOGARLICINMYHOUSE???

Anywhere? I stared at the spice rack in awe. I tore through the cabinet. I tore through the pantry. I stared at the spice rack again. I tore through the fridge. NONE. It's not THERE. HOW is there no garlic in my house?

WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS???

I am illogically upset by this. I popped a Xanax and felt better. But now I feel hyperventy again reminiscing.

I am about to kill pretty lady...and her retard stable boy.

Disclaimer: This was my first viewing of anything Get Smart. So I don't know what has been taken from the original and what is new. So when I lament about a stupid plot point...it may not be their fault. I will attempt to make this spoiler-free, as this movie is actually worth seeing on it's own, unlike That Other Movie.

I will start with the trailers.
Hellboy II - Hella lame.
The Dark Knight - So very excited. Sho very excited. Poor dead Heath. Man, did Heath Ledger have a thing for the Gyllenhaals or what? Not that you can blame him. Mmm...I'd totally be into a Heath/Jake/Maggie sandwich...oh shutup, brain!
Wow, the movie is starting? Only two trailers?

Overall? I laughed. Not quite as much as I had hoped to, but it was decently funny. There's a subplot with this really lame "Bad guys are people too...they hurt just like we do" feeling that plays out into an even lamer scene. The Max/Agent 99 'chemistry' felt really forced at first. Can you REALLY do that while skydiving? That makes me want to try it more. I don't like much that The Rock has done, but I loved him in this. I thought he played his part perfectly.
MAX LISTENED TO ABBA!!! My favorite dance around like a drunken prat song of all time is Does Your Mother Know, thanks to Johnny English. So I liked that part.
The twists are very predictable, and I never try to figure out twists. I just sit back and enjoy the ride. And I knew every 'twist'. Gorgeous Russian scenery.
There are some very sly pot shots at Bush that Jason and I enjoyed. The big finale chase scene was, as often happens, way overdone and unrealistic. But I liked the ending.

Three stars!

Get Smart

Will be reviewed either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon. Just so you know. Prepare yourselves. Get some popcorn and a beverage, and maybe a hankie or two.

And speaking of tissue-necessitating issues...Blanche (Pippi) and her new brother will be boarding with us next weekend. I am so excited. I can't wait to see her. I'll see her Tuesday when we start our next round of obedience classes.

I can't deal with this newfangled technology.

So I set up my blog to email me when I had a new comment. But I don't realize the people have commented on my blog and it's just an alert, so I email them back and respond. And then I go to my blog and wonder why the person has told me this twice.

Mission Accomplishable

That's actually a word. It doesn't look like it should be allowed to be one.
Thatcoolbroad has tagged me for a meme. The jury is still out on how to pronounce that. But we'll struggle on. The meme is to be a six-word biography of your life, inspired by the book Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs By Writers Famous And Obscure, by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser. In 2006, the editors of SMITH magazine asked its readers to describe their lives in six words (my favorite from reading the review - "Cursed with cancer. Blessed with friends." - Nine-year-old Hannah Davies).

Here are the instructions:

1. Write your own six word memoir;
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like;
3. Link to the person who tagged you;
4. Tag 5 more bloggers; and
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation
to play.

When tagged by TCB, I looked at all the brilliant summaries, thought about my life, and thought, 'Crap'. I looked at my TCB tshirt and cursed it. And then I admired how my boobs looked in it for a while (hey - cool broads don't say they're flat when they're not).
So I thought of describing words and anxiously did word counts into the night. I can't handle this.

But finally...I thought of something that describes me so far:
Compulsive neurotic learns how to smile.

And I'm doing pretty well.

And now...I pass the obsessing on to you!
I tag another day, spdy, jen (it can even be about your impressive cooking skillz), jeana, and anna (but I won't link yours, since your names are in it)

I need your help, LLOCs!

I need a button for a button exchange on The Mom Blogs. Jason can make me the button - but what do I put on it? I have no image. Or motto. Or anything catchy. The person who wins...gets...something. Tshirts. I need tshirts. Thatcoolbroad has tshirts. I won one. I'M WEARING IT RIGHT NOW.

WAIT WAIT I FORGOT

Elliot has a mood ring. It's very special to him. He remembers to grab it before he evacuates. The preteens they are fleeing with ask to see it, and they are messing with it. His response?
"HEY watch out DUDE that's MEANINGFUL to me!"

AND ANOTHER THING

Plot Hole 1: Why were some people flinging themselves off buildings and others watching in awe? In NYC and Paris, there was at least one person watching this all, horrified. Why didn't the toxins infect them? What about the people watching the lions?

Plot Hole 2: If you are escaping the killer grass (snarf), why run through fields of it? Why not hole up in a house and shut all the openings a la Signs? A HS Science teacher should know that if being around plants and trees is killing you, perhaps you should be NOT RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS AND FORESTS THE WHOLE FRICKIN MOVIE.

PLOT HOLE PLOT HOLE PLOT HOLE

My Review Of "The Happening"

Ahoy, LLOCers! Spoilers ho!

I am a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan. Huge. The Sixth Sense? One of my all-time favorites. Unbreakable was good. Not quite my favorite genre, but good. Signs was excellent. The Village got panned by critics, and I was stupid and read a spoiler, but man, when she is wandering through those woods and you hear her father start talking about how the creatures were rumored to be real...I still have to watch with a cat held up in front of my face snorting into it (the cat purrs happily). And then I can't go outside at night for a while without seeing Noah in costume.
Lady In The Water was kind of lame. Fairly amusing and intriguing, but kind of lame. So when I found out about The Happening, the first R-rated film, I was thrilled. I have been waiting, what, two years for this? We got a babysitter. I put on red pumps half a size too small. We went out to dinner.

And we completely wasted fifteen bucks. What the HELL was that?

I am completely disappointed. Mark Wahlberg is a very tall 14-year-old boy. The dialogue between Mark and his coworker, Julian, is awful and awkward (and HELLO! If you are going to be doing extreme close ups on a 20-foot tall screen, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, JOHN LEGUIZAMO!!!) And you don't just pull a pin out of your hair and stab it into your neck like that. Which we got a full view of. I always appreciated the psychological aspect of MNS's movies. This has NOTHING. NO substance whatsoever. Just:
1 - People calmly walking off buildings and splatting onto pavement (dear friends of people left standing there)
2 - Woman stabbing herself through neck with hair pin, sitting beside close friend or sister
3 - Man holding arm out for lion to rip off. Holds out other arm for other lion to rip off.
4 - Police officer shooting self in head. Falls to ground. Blood begins to spurt out of head.
5 - Julian (come on, the characters we're close to? The man who left his already traumatized daughter, desperately trying to save his wife) calmly picking up a piece of car glass (left after the driver of the car slammed into a telephone pole, sending bodies shooting out of the car and landing with a thud) and digging it into himself.
6 - A woman screaming with horror and misery and panic as she tries unsuccessfully to prevent her young daughter from committing suicide over the phone
7 - Sounds of the group the main characters were with shooting themselves one by one, as a member of the current group points out that there were children with the other group
8 - A preteen boy, trying to man up and get food for the eight-year-old girl, get shot point blank, blood spurts everywhere. His friend then gets shot point-blank in the skull. In front of the eight-year-old.
9 - Eight-year-old listening to all the reports of people dying and realizing her parents, whom she could barely speak when not in their presence, have killed themselves, and collapsing into misery.
10 - Elderly woman slamming her head into the wall and through windows (we are lucky enough to be on the other side), glass embedded into her face and eyes, until she is dead. *TRY TO HOLD ON, MRS. JONES! THERE'S ONLY TWENTY MORE MINUTES LEFT OF THIS MOVIE!*

All of this is in full view of the camera. The deaths of children upset me the most.

Also? At one point Wahlberg tells the group to wait here while he checks a truck. And then he skips off across the meadows with his arms held out, holding his giant leather satchel. I will never take him seriously again after this. No more tightey whitey ogling for me.

The basic 'plot' of the movie - The plants are all mad because we have become a threat to the planet, so they start releasing neurotoxins into the air that flip our self-preservation sensors in the brain around and make us kill ourselves. As the 'event' gets stronger, it takes a smaller and smaller group to set the toxin off. You have to run and beat the wind. Or something.

Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel (who plays a sarcastic blonde trying not to fall in love with a sugar-hyped Will Ferrell MUCH better) emerge from their buildings to meet their death twenty minutes after the event has ended, and then Alma (Deschanel) is pregnant, Jess (said eight-year-old daughter of Julian), starts school again, and all is well. But then it starts again in France.

Only good part? Elliot (Wahlberg) turns around in an abandoned house to find a potted plant staring at him (trust me, it is. You can tell). Elliot starts talking to the plant, telling him they're just here to use the bathroon, they'll be on their way, please don't eat me, etc. Then he realizes it's fake.

I don't think I'll ever be watching this movie again (ok, maybe the skip through the meadow part, it made me titter). In fact, I don't think I'll be going to see any more MNS movies. Ugh. LAME.

I like saying that word, apparently. About this movie.
And that makes me very sad.
And that is also lame.

/gavel

Shana would like you all to know that that's not it

S: "Stacy, Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States, right?"
M: "Yes."
S: "And what about Guam?"
M: "I'm not sure about that one. It's connected somehow."
*conversation drifts to other things*
S: "See? I'm only bad at the questions you ask me. I'm good at geography."
M: "Mhuh."
S: "I knew all along that New Mexico was a territory."
M: *laughs*
S: "No! I didn't mean that! I always confuse those countries!"
*pause*
S: "Awwww crap."

Which is ditzier, magically refilling hash or magically refilling glass?

Keep in mind, the magically refilling hash only happened once...the tale of magically refilling glasses is a lifelong flaw in my sister's life.

Shana went to NYC yesterday with her Drama Club to see a musical. She was telling me about their trip to the Jekyll & Hyde Club, where she had to deal with the trauma of living inside her brain. She wanted more water. A waitress came over and a friend asked for more sauce. Shana flipped because now she couldn't ask the waitress for water (she thinks it's rude to ask a waitstaff for more than one thing at once so she can't). The waitress came back with the sauce, and then another friend asked for sauce, so once again Shana couldn't. She finally got her water. The waitress apparently realized Shana was a little off (not hard to do when Shana panicked and slapped the first friend for beating her to request something) and decided to keep the water coming. Shana turned around and discovered a new glass of water had appeared out of the blue.

"Doesn't that happen to you? It freaks me halffreakingto death!!!" she says.

Ermkay.

SIDENOTE: Does anyone else think it would be awesome to visit the bar one or four times and then tour the place? Shana says things talk to you all over the walls. And sometimes from the floor. Or sometimes from the ceilings.

Pomp and Circumstance

In three and a half hours, I will be attending Shana's graduation ceremony. *sniffle* It seems like just a few years ago that her pearl necklace broke and she thought she was shedding nipples.

Wait...that WAS just a few years ago.

Good luck in the cruel, wide world, Shana! I know we've had this talk several times, and I know that you told me that after the first two times you learned your lesson, but PLEASE DO NOT put metal containers in the microwave. Don't worry, I'll make sure to tell your roomies to watch out for you. And we must meet on random days for DD brunches. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful life partner, and you can bring her for dinner whenever you would like.

CONGRATULATIONS!

I Don't Care What Kind Of Car It Is, You Twatmuffin

*slapping own fingers* Language, woman! We're supposed to be working on that!

But srsly. One of the dog owners came to work yesterday and told me this was the last time we'd be seeing the dog, he was going to the pound tomorrow. "Oh no, why?" I said. "Oh well, I got a new car and don't want him to mess it up. He just doesn't listen to me. He's a really good dog other than that."
Everything I can articuatly type when telling people off for this sort of thing left me. I said, "Well, have you tried our classes? They really..."
"Oh yeah, we took some once. He just doesn't listen."

Back up. I do NOT CARE for this dog. He's a beagle, and beagles are one of my least favorite dogs. Never would I own a beagle. This dog is a NUT. But he's a sweetheart. And that is one shittyass reason to ditch an animal that loves you and trusts you with his life. This dog is going to die. No one is going to adopt him in the condition he's in. People like this, who refuse to work with them and let us help them train him, make my fingers tighten (don't worry, their neck is in between only in my brain).

To make things worse, my coworker's aunt is looking for a beagle. CW told the dog owner this as she was leaving. "Oh, I don't want him to bite anybody, so I think this is best."

??? The dog doesn't bite!!!!

I am so mad remembering this I can't type anymore. I know that a lot of you aren't as passionate about this as I am. But I am. Grrrrr.


NEXT TIME: MY BABY SISTER IS GRADUATING!!!!

There's something in the pastry flour...

Is it just me, or are your Dunkin Donuts always packed with the elderly in the middle of the day? Not that there is anything wrong with people meeting with their friends over a casual meal at any age, but they do tend to get awful raucous around here...

I had the day off yesterday (short story - my grandmother had to have the lower portion of her leg amputated, and since my mother watches Kristen and had to be at the hospital, I had no sitter. G-ma's doing fine and is making every doctor and nurse in the vicinity wish they had forgone the degree and just stayed at McDonald's. That's my girl). Shana got out of school at 10:00 because of finals, so K and I went and picked her up. I wanted to see the apartment she is moving into, and we were hungry, so we went for some breakfast.

A man and woman, and their friend, were sitting at a table nearby chatting, whom we paid no mind to. We got our food and sat down and started talking to K and each other and eating. I don't know what they had been discussing, but suddenly a man (whom I'm pretty sure was a stranger) joined in from his table. They were discussing the evils of the world (which can all be summed up by, oh, everything I am). Things were getting heated. After pointing out how ignorant Democrats are, and how we never bother to research ANYTHING and just carry on and look stupid, the woman pointed out how that Nancy Puhloosey is a left-wing nut. I started giggling. K thought I was laughing at her and threw back her head and guffawed. Shana was lost.
They next pointed out how poor a choice Obama is (I was eagerly awaiting mention of the lack of lapel pin or of his middle name), and how the man in the couple would vote for Clinton over Obama, but he doesn't like either one.
Next thing I know, a giant man with a Dumbledore-like beard and a leather jacket came marching over and was telling them all about how he had just spent $45 to top of his tank and it was HALF FULL when he did it. I hear that. That's ridiculous (I didn't get the chance, however, to see if he was driving a gas guzzler). The man from the table over (who was now beside the third man in the original group) started hollering on about how Honda sent him a letter telling him they offer servicing on his vehicle, and how this is obviously a plot to make him drive more (color me intrigued). He them started going on about how they told him driving short distances is harder on your car than driving long distances. The woman suddenly pounded the table and yelled, "Take 'er out on the highway and open 'er up! Cut 'er loose!"
The four men stared at her in astonishment. Then they carried on.
Next, the man standing started telling them all about how he is addicted to nicotine. I'm pretty sure this man was a stranger too. "I just can't quit!" He yelled. The original man said, "Yes! Yes you can!" "No, I just can't do it! Listen to this! My mother, father, sister, and brother all smoked. My mother quit! My brother quit! My mother and brother and father all quit! My sister still smokes."

And next thing I knew, he was telling them all about how life is mind over matter and you just have to say no. Why he can't then quit his cancer sticks...I don't know.

And then there was a tapping on the glass. We turned around and there was another one with giant glasses, eyes, and smile, staring through the glass at Kristen. Shana screamed.



We finally reached the car. Liz likes to pull shit on me when she's PMSing, so my driver's side door is not opening (she'll give in eventually). Shana and I had a slap fight which resulted in me oozing over her to reach the drivers side. We buckled up and a car beeped. Another one did off to the other side. So I started. And then everyone did. "What's going on?" Shana asked. "Shenanigans", I answered. And off we went.
As we turned the corner, the car started beeping again, and someone leaned out of a taxi and started screaming, "DONUTS ON THE HOOD! DONUTS ON THE HOOD!"
I slammed on the brakes, Shana jumped out, grabbed the donuts off of the roof, and we sped away, laughing hysterically.

NEXT TIME: Why Getting A New Car Is No Excuse