Day 2, by Kristen

8:45 Am: Jesus, does this woman ever shut up?
9:15 Am: Nana still does not understand that the world is mine. Also, the kittens scratched me. I treat them so well. See if I pick them up upside down and then drop them anymore.
5:00 Pm: Mum arrives and starts screeching with Aunt Shana. I burst in with both the hippo noise and the turtle noise. Nana judges Mummy.
5:30 Pm: Get ready for basheball game.
6:45 Pm: Arrive. It is about 80 degrees out, and humid. Since Mummy is the one who tried to talk everyone out of bringing me after THAT LAST TIME (that I had a lot of fun with, so I don't know what her problem is), I think I will refuse to sit on anyone's lap but her's, and ask to go potty every ten minutes and refuse to let anyone else take me. Then I will sit on the toliet and not go. This will show her.
7:00 Pm: Mascot comes out on the field. I love him. He's so funny. Wait. What is MeMe doing? She appears to be calling him over. Oh look! Here he comes! He's so funny! Yay! I really OH MY GOD HE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME QUICK CLIMB ON MUMMY'S HEAD THOSE BASTARDS ARE LAUGHING AT ME I AM GOING TO DIE THE DICK IS PRETENDING HE'S AFRAID OF ME WHY IS EVERYONE LAUGHING HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSOh, popcorn.
7:15 Pm: Where has the mascot gone? Why has he left? Where is he? I want to see him? Why won't he come back? He is so funny?
7:45 Pm: The mascot is in the stands! Look! Whee! I say hi? Please? Please? I want to OH CRAP HE'S COMING OVER SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH
9:00 Pm: Entertain everyone on the way home talking about Pap's booboo, the mascot is funny, Mom got her hair cut, we go swimming, I love Pooh Bear, I do NOT want to see the goose, the turtle noise (MeMe judges Mummy), I poo potty, the mascot is funny, PapPap's boat is broken, I went camping once, I have shoes on, and so on. Mummy has a headache.

Life, By Kristen

8:45 Am: Am awakened by Mummy, clapping and singing that damn "Hey Krissy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" at the top of her tone deaf lungs. Obviously she does not realize I am trying to sleep. I growl at her. She shakes my crib and sings louder. FML.
9:00 Am: Crazy bitch comes at me with the comb. I cry, cling to my pillow, and cry "Noooo, more night night please!!!" She is unconcerned and just combs my hair out while I flail. Woman's got skillz.
9:05 Am: Poo potty. I recieve 2 lemonems. I don't know why she won't just let me move out already.
9:20 Am: I arrive at my Nana's, where I spend the rest of the day trying to get these damn peons to realize that the world is, in fact, mine. They cannot grasp this concept and keep denying me. One day.
5:15 Pm: Mummy arrives. Prats on for awhile with Aunt Shana. I don't even blink anymore at their shenanigans and tomfoolery. They keep making me make the turtle noise.
6:00 Pm: Arrive home to get ready for fair. Last time we went, they promised me food at the fair, and then it wasn't even opened yet. They heard about THAT all the way home.
6:20 Pm: Arrive at fair. Am not handed hot dog immediately. Sonsabitches.
6:45 Pm: Stuffed with hot dogs, I am now ready to ride. Ride ride ride ride ride. They insist on buying ham, which they call 'jerky'. They fool no one.
7:15 Pm: Am allowed to ride ONE ride. ONE. Mummy cries again when I ride by myself and wave happily to her. I think that one's gone off her meds. Must speak to Daddy.
8:30 Pm: Hear Mummy and Daddy talking about how I will crash on the way home. Ha!
9:15 Pm: Have just arrived home, after successfully interuppting their every conversation with cries of "Mom. Mom! MOOOMMMMUH!!" and then chatting about how one time she got her hair cut, this other time we went swimming, once we saw a big blue blimp, the cows EAT!!, I rode cars, when we go to the store I can see water behind the trees but no boats, Pap's boat is broken, and I get a cookie at the store. Mom has a headache.
9:45 Pm: Wait until Mummy and Daddy start having adult time to start wailing. Wait until it resumes and start again.

The Pissy Kissy dance

The following is a video of my daughter when she has a bad day. Nothing wrong in particular, just gassy. Prior to this, she had screamed through an hour nap, came downstairs and screamed for EAT???, screamed all through lunch without touching anything, and then promptly began screaming for NIGH NIGHHHHHHT???
File this under: Why Stacy's Done Having Kids

Proof that baking in an insane asylum for nine months bodes no good.

We went to the mall. I was looking around for bras. Kristen was on her best behavior, and trying very hard. As most of you know, this is very hard for toddlers, especially a kid of mine. I could see the crazy just about leaking out her ears. She was looking around and I could see her dying to burst.
I was talking to one of the salespeople as she started shaking. I could practically hear whistles and sirens blowing.
Suddenly, in her little girly, high pitched, squeally voice, she threw her arms in the air and hooted, "BOOOOOOOBS!!!"
Having opened the bottle, she couldn't stop and mouth diarrhea hit. She screamed, "BUTT!!! 'GINAHHH!!! PeeeeewwwwwPPPPPPPPPPPP-PUH!!"
And then she fell over. Ate carpet right there.

NTS: Ask pedi about prevalence age of Tourette's at next checkup.

Kristen on Christmas Trees, MURPH, and Her Mama

A Very Special Thanksgiving Post, With Help From Shana

This is what Shana is teaching my child how to do.

I might actually talk about everything still relevant on my list

Halloween Pictures!
They day the costume came, I was so excited I was squealing. I pulled it out by the head, Kristen took one look at it, and screamed in horrah. I had to wrestle her into it (mean, but I figured it was the only way for her to see that it was okay). She hated it at first, but grew to yub it. She named it Cheddar (we ask her to say peacock and it comes out sounding like the word Cheddar) and asks to wear it constantly.

Me and My Malfunctioning Boobies

Don't worry. This isn't going to be a My Lovely Cervie type post (ps - that link is NSFW. Nor anyone with eyes).

This post, actually, is inspired by That Cool Broad's post about Angelina Jolie and breastfeeding. Like Angelina and TCB, I has a load of difficulties breastfeeding, and I do think that stories like these need to be shared.

Being an Early Childhood major, breastfeeding was never a second thought for me - I was just going to do it. I was mad at my mom for months after I found out I was formula fed. I refused to look at any formula while pregnant, I only wanted bottles that worked best with breastfeeding.
After Kristen was born and cleaned and everyone held her, the nurse shooed everyone out of the room and I got ready for the most magical moment of my life (because hey - I tore top and bottom and watched it, so the one I just had didn't count).
The pain was incredible. The nurse assured me that Kristen was just very eager and we kept trying.
I think my toes, at some point, actually touched the front of my legs above them. The nurse went to get the lactation consultant.
The LC announced that Kristen's tongue was moving strangely and tried giving her a pacifier (she explained that she ordinarily wouldn't, but it might help her figure out how to move her tongue. Nothing.
After more evaluation, it was discovered that Kristen had a collapsed nerve (either from the way she had been laying or the way the OB grabbed her when coming out) and her tounge was swollen, so she couldn't move it right. In addition, I had an inverted nipple, and Kristen had such an amazingly strong suck, the nurses couldn't even bear to watch me trying to nurse her. I had bottles, pacifiers, nipple shields, nipple guards, etc., scattered all over my room. I was double pumping every three hours and hysterical that my baby was starving and I couldn't even give her something to eat.
The LC brought in a little bottle of ready-made formula with a cut in the nipple, and a NICU feeding tube. She stuck the tube in the bottle, taped the tube to her finger, and fed Kristen that way (once again, in complete amazement at how hard Kristen sucked), using her finger to gently get Kristen's tongue out of the way. It worked.
So from then on, I continued pumping (feeling very much like a cow). I would then use a syringe to suck the colostrum out of the pump bottle, attached a feeding tube to the syringe, and fed her with my finger. I couldn't pump unless I was watching her (neat how that works, isn't it? It always flowed easier if I was watching her).
We left the hospital, and of course had to scramble around with a three day old trying to get bottles, a pump, a bottle brush, formula, etc. We picked everything up, but I had problems pumping, since I didn't have access to the hospital pump and was frustrated. We continued tube feeding her with a combination of the formula and what breast milk I could get out.
And THEN engorgment struck. There was no way I could squeeze my overlarged, hard as a rock and so painful I screamed if I moved too fast boobs into that little plastic funnel and start jerking them around. So I quit four days after I came home.
A few days later, we had to go back to the hospital for a checkup, where I announced that I quit. I got her the colostrum, she was doing fine, and we were both so much happier and less stressed once I gave up.

I have heard a ton of horror stories about lactacion consultants and their breast is best manta. I was really nervous.
But I have to say...if you have the option of having your baby at Geisinger Medical Center, do it. Don't think about it. I live an hour away and we drove there at midnight in amazingly heavy fog. And I don't regret it. The whole experience was awesome and I cannot begin to describe how excellent the LC team is. They never guilted me into anything. That nurse I had who first started with me? Stayed after her shift was over because she could tell how upset I was, and rushed over as soon as she saw us come back for the checkup, telling me how she hated to leave and how she was thinking about me, and how she wants to get her LC experience so she can help more. The head LC was nothing but helpful and comforting, did not question my decision to quit, and told me to call her crying if I needed to vent at any point. If I had had some of these people that I have heard about, I think I would have had a breakdown so bad that I honestly think they would not have let me go home with Kristen.
If any of the Geisinger labor and delivery nurses are reading this...I cannot begin to describe what having a supportive team did for me. Thank you.

Ok, let's be fair and look at the other side of things.

My eighteen month old is

THREE FEET TALL. And she weighs twenty-five pounds.

More pictures of the chicklet

Lesson Of The Day

Haddock does NOT = saute. Tilapia = saute. Haddock + Saute = Crumbly mess.

Still tasted good, though.

















Also, some grown-up preschooler came and ate my toddler overnight!

Let's Start At The Very Beginning

My laptop is here, but I'm just staring at it in the box because I'm afraid to take it out without Jason being here to set it all up. This is a replacement keyboard, that I am not allowed to use as a plate.

This is us at the fair a few weeks ago.
Yes...that is a baby fawn. Licking the inside of my nostril. I honestly didn't see it coming, they are usually so shy that it takes a lot to get them to look at you. I was so excited that it turned around to see me, and then SHABANG!

Usually they just suck on your earlobes.

Yes...the fact that I know so much about baby fawns makes me a hick. What of it?






Kristen would have none of it's tomfoolery. She was afraid of them, sadly. Horses, she LOVES, she freaks out whenever we saw them. She loved the goats and screamed with excitement when one of them tried to eat her stroller tray. Two giant ugly pigs got into a fight and started screaming and she laughed her head off.

Cute, sweet baby deer who will just lay beside you and let you stroke them? Fuhgetaboutit.





In the end, she did respond to force. She barely tolerated them, but she did it.

I Aim To Please!

Pictures of Miss K at the cookout yesterday


Eating lunch (she was getting fussy and tired)












Hanging out















Look how tall she is!




















I think she looks more like him every day

What Every Mother Needs, And Doesn't Even Know It

Two-Ring Inflatable Swimming Pool: $4.88
3 Bags of 100 Balls: $9.88 ea
Hours Of Phun: Unknown Quantity

Kristen LOVES this thing. We blow it up, play, and then pop the balls and deflated pool back in the bags.







She loves jumping in and swishing balls around. She'll stand up, look at me, wait until I yell, "go PLOP!" and fall back down, laughing hysterically.





She and I both get in (okay, my limbs are hanging out, but it's relaxing) and she spreads out beside me and we both start giggling.






Seriously. Most fun EVER. I loved ball pits when I was little. When I was actually using my Early Childhood degree and taught a classroom of two-year-olds, the center had a ball pit big enough for my 5'10" frame to swim in it, I loved playing with the kids in it. I am so happy that my daughter loves them too!

A Communication Breakthrough

And no, NOT elimination communication - I may be neurotic, anal, and crazy...but I still don't get you people.

Kristen has started picking up on sign language. She is starting to use 'more'. I am thrilled - life has been a storm of screams, slaps, and temper tantrums lately. She's getting to that stage where she is highly frustrated, on the brink of independence, and unable to do it completely herself and tell us what she wants. I am THRILLED that we are opening up ways to communicate!

And no...no pictures. As soon as she sees me thinking about getting the camera, the hands drop and she just stares at me. She'd starve before asking for more WHILE THE CAMERA IS OUT.

My baby is so sweet.

We took her to the viewing last night (she helped everyone perk up). I kept her away from the coffin...I didn't know if it would upset her or not. At the very end, Jason took her up to the casket so he could say goodbye. Kristen stared at her great grandmother solemly for a few seconds, no expression on her face, and then waved.

I cried all the way home.