The stupid ones in my life.

Last night, I opened my back door and called for Barkley and Caden. They wouldn't come. Some clapping and obscenities later, I could hear their collars jingling, but they still wouldn't come. I wimpily snuck around to the side yard, where it was dark and I couldn't' see them. I could still hear them jingling around. I thought perhaps the basement door had blown open, so I went in the house, went down to the basement, and opened the stair door. No dogs. I went to the front porch - they weren't running around in the street, and I couldn't hear any old ladies shrieking. I still heard them. I went back inside, to find Jason staring at me inquisitively. I told him what was going on, and he went outside to investigate. The back gate had blown open, and he found them running along the fence in the neighbors' yard, panicking and frantically trying to figure out how to get back in, as it was dark and they apparently forgot that the open gate was around the corner.

(PS - Only my dogs would have a break for freedom and spend it trying to get back in. It's what they do. When they do get out and a neighbor happens upon them, they spend their time hopping excitedly at them, and then immediately run up on our porch and continue hopping, waiting for the neighbor to ring the doorbell for them so I will let them in and call them retarts and cow udders and whatever else flies out of my crazy mouth (after I shut the door and the neighbor goes away). It's true)

ALSO! Shana found a used tape from my old typewriter. I had used all the reel up, so you could see the outline of everything I had written on it. Apparently, Shana found it, took all the tape out of it, and spent three hours reading it all. She was very, VERY confused. She confronted me with it, wondering what it was and how it happened, and I seized the day and convinced her that, "Duh, I had a tape recorder when we were little! Remember? They record the converstions, how else would they know to play it back!! Loser!!"
And now, up until she reads this blog post, she believes that there are little typewriters in tape recorders, physically typing everything that is spoken into them for playback value.

Best Understanding Of The College Student

Shana was all frenzied the other day when I came from work to pick up The Swiss Miss. A cult had invaded their school courtyard and was handing out leaflets and fliers and crying on about the dangers of homosexuality, premarital sex, marijuana use, and a bunch of other things (No, this is NOT the place where I hand out the "Best Understanding Of The College Student" award). They grabbed her, but she ran away. She then got a text telling her to come outside. She did, and an awesome protest had started, with college students throwing condoms and such at the cult. The police showed up and started milling about, snickering when the college crowd screamed something clever and lewd back at the church members.
Shana's college is well-known for being, well, scissor happy, ifyaknowwhatI'msayin. This has given Dad and I endless material for lezzie jokes at Shana's expense (as if we needed them, even Shana admits that we are hilariously cutting and very, very clever), and does NOT make for the best environment for hate mongers to come in and start spewing their crap. An example from Shana:
Hatemongers: "Homosexuality is evil! All gays should be stoned!"
College Kid: "Marijuanaaaaaaaaaaa!"
College Crowd: "Whewwwwwwwwwwwwt!"
This went on for several hours. Then, Shana told me how the police finally ended it, and I sat in awe at the sheer geniousity of it all.
They all got together...and ordered pizza. Then they had it delivered to somewhere else on campus. Then...THEY ANNOUNCED IT TO THE CROWD.

And all the college kids left and went and ate the pizza. Whim wham.
These guys need awards.

I will never, NEVER, move to California.

What 289K will buy you in my area:
This 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 3,000 sq. foot home includes fireplaces, hot tubs, cathedral ceilings, a deck, thermal windows, and is in a lovely private setting.











What 287K will buy you in Pacifica, CA:
1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 60 year old THIS (seen on It's Lovely, I'll Take It!)




Oh, come on, Stacy! It's California, real estate is much

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

I will NEVER not laugh at this. Not even thinking about it.

This links to an audio clip and is NSFW, Ks, or anyone churchy.

This is the funniest thing ever. I can't stop laughing. I was rocking back and forth in my chair crying. I made Jason came down and we were holding each other up snorting (it didn't help that it reads word for word like the breakup letter from Jason's ex).

My Review Of "The Happening"

Ahoy, LLOCers! Spoilers ho!

I am a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan. Huge. The Sixth Sense? One of my all-time favorites. Unbreakable was good. Not quite my favorite genre, but good. Signs was excellent. The Village got panned by critics, and I was stupid and read a spoiler, but man, when she is wandering through those woods and you hear her father start talking about how the creatures were rumored to be real...I still have to watch with a cat held up in front of my face snorting into it (the cat purrs happily). And then I can't go outside at night for a while without seeing Noah in costume.
Lady In The Water was kind of lame. Fairly amusing and intriguing, but kind of lame. So when I found out about The Happening, the first R-rated film, I was thrilled. I have been waiting, what, two years for this? We got a babysitter. I put on red pumps half a size too small. We went out to dinner.

And we completely wasted fifteen bucks. What the HELL was that?

I am completely disappointed. Mark Wahlberg is a very tall 14-year-old boy. The dialogue between Mark and his coworker, Julian, is awful and awkward (and HELLO! If you are going to be doing extreme close ups on a 20-foot tall screen, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, JOHN LEGUIZAMO!!!) And you don't just pull a pin out of your hair and stab it into your neck like that. Which we got a full view of. I always appreciated the psychological aspect of MNS's movies. This has NOTHING. NO substance whatsoever. Just:
1 - People calmly walking off buildings and splatting onto pavement (dear friends of people left standing there)
2 - Woman stabbing herself through neck with hair pin, sitting beside close friend or sister
3 - Man holding arm out for lion to rip off. Holds out other arm for other lion to rip off.
4 - Police officer shooting self in head. Falls to ground. Blood begins to spurt out of head.
5 - Julian (come on, the characters we're close to? The man who left his already traumatized daughter, desperately trying to save his wife) calmly picking up a piece of car glass (left after the driver of the car slammed into a telephone pole, sending bodies shooting out of the car and landing with a thud) and digging it into himself.
6 - A woman screaming with horror and misery and panic as she tries unsuccessfully to prevent her young daughter from committing suicide over the phone
7 - Sounds of the group the main characters were with shooting themselves one by one, as a member of the current group points out that there were children with the other group
8 - A preteen boy, trying to man up and get food for the eight-year-old girl, get shot point blank, blood spurts everywhere. His friend then gets shot point-blank in the skull. In front of the eight-year-old.
9 - Eight-year-old listening to all the reports of people dying and realizing her parents, whom she could barely speak when not in their presence, have killed themselves, and collapsing into misery.
10 - Elderly woman slamming her head into the wall and through windows (we are lucky enough to be on the other side), glass embedded into her face and eyes, until she is dead. *TRY TO HOLD ON, MRS. JONES! THERE'S ONLY TWENTY MORE MINUTES LEFT OF THIS MOVIE!*

All of this is in full view of the camera. The deaths of children upset me the most.

Also? At one point Wahlberg tells the group to wait here while he checks a truck. And then he skips off across the meadows with his arms held out, holding his giant leather satchel. I will never take him seriously again after this. No more tightey whitey ogling for me.

The basic 'plot' of the movie - The plants are all mad because we have become a threat to the planet, so they start releasing neurotoxins into the air that flip our self-preservation sensors in the brain around and make us kill ourselves. As the 'event' gets stronger, it takes a smaller and smaller group to set the toxin off. You have to run and beat the wind. Or something.

Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel (who plays a sarcastic blonde trying not to fall in love with a sugar-hyped Will Ferrell MUCH better) emerge from their buildings to meet their death twenty minutes after the event has ended, and then Alma (Deschanel) is pregnant, Jess (said eight-year-old daughter of Julian), starts school again, and all is well. But then it starts again in France.

Only good part? Elliot (Wahlberg) turns around in an abandoned house to find a potted plant staring at him (trust me, it is. You can tell). Elliot starts talking to the plant, telling him they're just here to use the bathroon, they'll be on their way, please don't eat me, etc. Then he realizes it's fake.

I don't think I'll ever be watching this movie again (ok, maybe the skip through the meadow part, it made me titter). In fact, I don't think I'll be going to see any more MNS movies. Ugh. LAME.

I like saying that word, apparently. About this movie.
And that makes me very sad.
And that is also lame.

/gavel

Shana would like you all to know that that's not it

S: "Stacy, Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States, right?"
M: "Yes."
S: "And what about Guam?"
M: "I'm not sure about that one. It's connected somehow."
*conversation drifts to other things*
S: "See? I'm only bad at the questions you ask me. I'm good at geography."
M: "Mhuh."
S: "I knew all along that New Mexico was a territory."
M: *laughs*
S: "No! I didn't mean that! I always confuse those countries!"
*pause*
S: "Awwww crap."

Which is ditzier, magically refilling hash or magically refilling glass?

Keep in mind, the magically refilling hash only happened once...the tale of magically refilling glasses is a lifelong flaw in my sister's life.

Shana went to NYC yesterday with her Drama Club to see a musical. She was telling me about their trip to the Jekyll & Hyde Club, where she had to deal with the trauma of living inside her brain. She wanted more water. A waitress came over and a friend asked for more sauce. Shana flipped because now she couldn't ask the waitress for water (she thinks it's rude to ask a waitstaff for more than one thing at once so she can't). The waitress came back with the sauce, and then another friend asked for sauce, so once again Shana couldn't. She finally got her water. The waitress apparently realized Shana was a little off (not hard to do when Shana panicked and slapped the first friend for beating her to request something) and decided to keep the water coming. Shana turned around and discovered a new glass of water had appeared out of the blue.

"Doesn't that happen to you? It freaks me halffreakingto death!!!" she says.

Ermkay.

SIDENOTE: Does anyone else think it would be awesome to visit the bar one or four times and then tour the place? Shana says things talk to you all over the walls. And sometimes from the floor. Or sometimes from the ceilings.

Please to help me transfer my 15 million dollars?

LOL. An email just showed up in my box from a staff member of 'one of the leading banks in South Africa'. There was an executive whose plane went down since (sic) 2000 with his wife and daughter and they can't transfer it because the dollars are American. Why South Africa is involved in this, I can't be bothered to know, I was too busy giggling with glee that I actually got one.

I really want to email him back and mess with him. But Jason told me not too.

NEXT TIME - Why does crazy shit always happen to me at Dunkin Donuts (or 'Why Democrats Are Responsible For All That Is Wrong, Including This Wart)?

WHAT the EFFFFFFfffffff?

No...that was not me imitating anyone wondering where I have been.

I've had nothing funny happening in my life, that I can't talk about without getting fired for. So I'll do another YouTube find. This one comes courtesy of Shana...and I LOVE it. I don't know how these people do this without getting sued. I don't know how they do it so it looks like one seamless take.
David Blaine Street Magic - Part 1
David Blaine Street Magic - Part 2 (I frequently yell "Cheez Its! Cheez Its! Cheez Its!" now)
David Blaine Street Magic - Part 3 (*frantic* "Did you shrink him???" *simply, calmly* "No." EOR!)

I crack up every.time.

And For More Of That Unlikely Shit In Life...

Yesterday was the preliminary hearing for the DUI incident. We got to the court, sat in the very small waiting room with drunkfool, and then were taken in. The public defender was asking him all the standard questions. When he got to the charge list, DF interrupted with, "I was not behind the wheel at that time." I got all excited. Public defender and dumbfuck went out in the hallway to discuss strategy. Police officer said, "I don't believe it...he's actually going to contest the whole thing." DA shook her head. Judge said, "We may actually have to go to trial for this." Judge, DA, police officer, and Jason begin talking about jogging in marathons and about DF (while "I smoke dope, madam" friend pouted in back), because nothing sparks professionalism like small town legal matters.
We all get quiet to listen to conversation in hallway. DF is telling Public Defender an elaborate tale of how he was just innocently leaning against his car when Jason came out and starting yelling at him that he was going to call the cops on him. Public Defender explains that DF is indeed, a rather drunken fool, and it would not be smart to carry on with this.
DF and PD re-enter room, and PD tells the judge that he will be needing a waiver. PD asks DA what she is asking for, and she says the max (five days). PD nods, judge tells us we're not needed, and DA smiles and tells us it was nice to meet us. Whimwham.

And the unlikely shit keeps rolling in...

A few weeks ago, we were at Jason's parents to spend the day (we alternate parents every Sunday). We were getting ready to go visit Jason's grandmother, when I heard Jason out front yelling for someone to call the police, the damn idiot hit his car (his Miata, his baby, the source of light in his eyes and warmth in his heart). I yelled for FIL to go help and went out front. There was one of the fools that lived in the apartment building beside IL's, sitting in his car, right back wheel on the curb, left front bumper wedged into the Miata's. He was sitting there in a stupor, holding his hands in the 'idahknow' position while Jason stood beside his window yelling at him, and alternately at the family on the porch to call the cops. FIL went out and inserted himself, and suddenly Jason's cries turned to, "Call the cops, this idiot is drunk!" while said idiot shook his head in disbelief. "AND his registration is expired!" Jason was beside himself.

The cops were called - the guy was hammered (at 1:15 PM on a Sunday morning). He was thrown up against the cruiser, slurring "Why are you arresting me?" as the cop (who I have known for quite some time, I taught his daughter when I worked in day care) yelled "DUI!" and carted him off. There was no damage to the Miata. It was, most unfortch, quite COPS-esque.

The car remained, half on the curb, for a few days, and then it disappeared, and that was that.

This morning, the officer showed up at our door and served Jason with a subpeona to appear in court next Wednesday. The guy's defense? "I wasn't driving."

*insert face you're probably making right now as well*

Officer: "Yeah...I know".

I'm going to court with Jason. Screw him, he can handle himself without me...I just want to hear this.

How does this shit happen to one person?

Soon after we got our house, about three years ago, we were getting ready for bed. I was laying on my side and Jason decided that the room was too cold, so he sat down 0n my side to shut the window. The frame broke. Literally split in two and we went sailing to the floor. We had to put the mattress and box spring on the floor and sleep on that.
NO ONE believed us that that was how it happened. Not even our parents. Everyone thought we had been been getting it on, because a wooden bed frame doesn't just SNAP. We got grief for months.

A few mornings ago, we woke up in our water bed, and Jason commented that he must have been sweating in his sleep really badly, he was soaked. We got out of bed and looked down at the drenched sheets. Oh crap. We frantically pulled the sheets of to discover a nice big hole in the water bed.
What the frick? We had just been asleep! How does a water bed just POP while you're asleep? We've had the cats on it (not by choice, they sneak into the room). We've had the 80 pound dogs on it (who break in in the middle of the night and decide the time is ripe for a cuddle). And it never happened. We were just laying on it and it sprung a leak.
Who's going to believe THAT?

(oh, and for the inevitable random first person to answer, "Well I sure don't, you horny slut!", pissoffanddie. That is not the point of this exercise.)

Sorry. I get like that when I am extemely tired.

Feel free to call me a dweeb and move on.

Today's post will elaborate more on song lyrics that skeeve the hell out of me. Because I just notice things like that. I do it with TV and movie plots and commercials as well.

Pop Quiz!

I know you're home
you left your light on
you know I'm here
the night is thin
I know you're alone
I watched the car leave
your lover is gone
let me in

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

It is 1:12 AM.

I am watching an Infomercial about poop.

Internal cleansing, to be more specific. It helps you poop. It's linked to anti-aging.

Ohkay.

EDIT: Ew ew ew this is so disgusting.

EDIT: Did you know some people are overweight because of their POOP? They are LITERALLY weighed down with compacted POOP. POUNDS of poop.

EDIT: You don't HAVE to look at your stool to make sure the program is working...but most clients are so curious they just can't help looking to see what they have freed themselves of.
It leads to a greater feeling of bouyouncy, happiness, better hair and skin, a flatter tummy, and after all, you're getting rid of rotting putrid fecal matter.

EDIT: pfffffpptt.

EDIT: I think I need to go to bed.

Analysis Of A Mad Black Woman

Can I call her that, being that I am extremely white? Someone please advise me so I know whether or not to call Tyra Banks that in public, as I would like to prevent an extreme ass beating.

But srsly people. This woman is crazy. Bat shit crazy. I thought this as it is every time I watch ANTM. Her and her "I have in my hand... one more picture. This picture...is of one of the two girls standing in front of me. This picture...will be of one of you. The girl whose picture I do not have must go home. THIS MEANS that the girl whose picture I do have...is still in the running to becomeAmericasNextTopModel." And ON and ON and ON until the entire at home audience and every single bimbo model in the room is screaming in their heads YES YES! WE'VE FIGURED THAT PART OUT!

And then, I found this on YouTube, a parody of this (if you must, fast forward to 2:21, the first part is just a build up). And I thought..."hahaha...crazy bitch".

But THEN...someone showed me the next clip. And I thought, "This isn't real. This is an excellently pasted together fake thing, like that Tyra/Britney thing I saw before."
Sadly...it's not. It's real. I'm sorry the video and audio aren't in sync.

I'm not really sure where to begin. All I can say is this:
1 - I'm not sure I would want the BIGGEST...BEAUTY SECRET EVARR! (EVARR) from someone who is looking like that.
2 - I'm pretty sure everyone got that "Eye And Anything Cream" means "EYE and AnyTHING" from the title. But we're all accustomed to her overredundantness.
3 - w. t. f.

Are You Ready?

BTW - I highy recommend the parody link at the bottom of the screen.

EDIT: OH MY GOD. SHE'S A SQUATTER. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS HOW MUCH I HATE HATE HATE SQUATTERS. I WAS DESTINED TO HATE HER.