OHMYGODTomorrow's Friday.

I just got so excited when I realized that.

And then I got super excited when I realized it's not just ANY Friday. This weekend is girls' weekend! Amaretto sours and hot tubs ahoy!

But don't worry, guys, I'm not going to get drunk and embarrass you like I did last time.










Or the time before.






























It is *really* hard to type with my fingers crossed.

I have never been so traumatized in all my days

We were slow at work today, so I was doing some extra cleaning. I was vaccumming down the hallway and decided to get behind the vet's freezer (where they put the dead animals...but technically that has nothing to do with this story).

I got a giant clump of hair stuck in the shop vac hose. I pulled the hose out and started tugging on the hair. There was this plastic string stuck in it - I figured it was a zip tie. I pulled and pulled...and then an ugly memory hit me. I opened my hand all the way to find a rock-hard dead mouse in it.

I screamed, flung the mouse at the wall, and began dancing and shaking my hand and freaking out. Vet techs poured in from the operating rooms. In the office, my boss began frantically changing camera views to see what dog was bleeding. They realized what happened and laughed and walked away. My boss threw the mouse away ( she did it with one hand over her eyes, a bunch of paper towels in the other, and screaming, "I don't think I can do it!") while I was panicking and washing my hands over...and over...and over. Then I burst into tears. Then I puked. Then I washed my hands over...and over...and over. Then I cried some more. Then I asked to go home (my boss called me a pansy). Then I washed my hands. Then I walked around shaking my hand because I could still feel it on my fingers. Then I washed my hands.

I was a sniveling, shaking mess in the office for half an hour before she told me to go home.


Ugly Memory: When I was around five, I was washing dishes with my mother. I looked down to see a mouse tail peeking out of the cabinet. I have never, not once, been able to do dishes with my feet more than two feet away from the sink. Ever. I have issues.


Thursday I go back to the doctor...I don't care for the Cymbalta. I can't remember to take it every day, so I am not coming well. I would like some Xanax (for situations of 'sension'). I think something more situation-based would be better.

No, seriously now. Where in Pennsylvania IS DC?

Shana and I were talking the other day. I forget the topic. She asked me where in Pennsylvania the Washington Monument is.
I looked at her and said, "I do believe that's in Washington, DC."
"Yes," she said, "But where in PA is that?"
I looked at her. "What? I said it's in DC."
"Yeah...and where in PA is that?"
"It's...not."
"Delaware?"
"No."
"Maryland?"
"No, Shana, it's not IN a sta-"
"VIRGINIA??"
"Oh my god! How are you graduating from high school in a month??"
"NO! WHAT STATE IS IT IN??"
"HOW MANY STATES ARE THERE IN THE UNITED STATES??"
"SHUT UP! THAT WAS JUST A MISTAKE!"

Yes, folks...my eighteen year old sister thought that Washington, DC, was a city in PA. I think. I'm still not sure of the thought process behind that one.

I would hate to watch movies with myself.

An excerpt of me during a tense scene:
"RUN, Frodo, RUN!"
"Ohh...you're a thhhupid hobbit, Frodo."
"Frodo you stupid bimbo. Get.out."
"I don't like the looks of this, Frodo."
"Ohhhhh"
"Frodo...FrodoFrodoFrodoFrodoWHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
*holding eight pound dog in front of face. Dog looks startled, and at the same time, simply resigned.*
"GandaIT WAS JUST GANDALF, YOU LUCKY FOOL! Wheeeeeeeeewh! I hope you learned your lesson!"

nft

Here, stripper. Watch and be edumacated.

I've found the video for the infamous Heart song (which shall be forever more called AIWDIMLTO because that is one long.ass.song title).
Overall, I must say I was disappointed by the lack of 80's cheese. Although the scene where he discovers that he was used for his sperm makes up for it all.
Then again, so does watching this.

EDIT: Exactly eleven months ago today I gave birth. Eleven. HOW did that happen??

To Be Fair To Shana...

I was in the car once on a road trip. We stopped at McDonalds. I got two hash browns. I was happily munching when I looked down and THE WORLD NO LONGER MADE SENSE. My hash brown had REFILLED ITSELF. It was WHOLE AGAIN. I began choking on my hash brown in shock, with such vigor that the driver frantically pulled off the road.

Then I looked in my other hand. That hand contained the hash brown I had been eating. I hadn't started on the other one yet.

Shananana And The Magical Vaginanana

I was at my mothers the other day picking up my daughter. Shana came bursting in the door.

"STACY! GUESS WHAT! MY VAGINA!"

"..."

"My vagina is MAGIC!"

"Oh God, not the damn TEETH again."

"It's a real thing! But that's not what this is about! Money comes out!"

"..."

"So me and Sara we were like in class talking and dude and like we were talking and did you bring my cell phone yet? and then dude like lesbian college I'm so afraid they won't let me in and like so I stood up and there was THIS!"
*produces quarter*
"And Sara was like DUDE! and I was like DUDE! and I thought it came out of my VAGINA!"

nft.

EDIT: I suppose you want to know the story behind the title. When Shana was in kindergarten, she was practicing writing her name and panicked because she forgot how many 'na's went in her name, so she just made a whole bunch for safety's sake. Mom got her paper and it was like her brain had been skipping, the na's ran straight off the page.

EDIT: It is my birthday.

My Sister Taught Herself How To Do Everything With Her Feet

She did this because she's afraid she'll someday lose her hands and she wants to be prepared.

I used to think "silly, paranoid, hypochondriac fool", but now that there is a HOLE IN MY ASS and I can't bend, I think "Brilliant!".

She also has to count her fingers and toes every night before bed to make sure she still has ten of each, but even through my drug-induced haze I ain't that crazy. But I've come a little closer to understanding her.

The Other Day Some Guy Propositioned Me...

He wanted his dog to sleep with my dog.

*pausing to allow you to reflect on the possible ways this could go*

But Barkley's not equipped for that.

I went to my work party Wednesday night. It was fun. I told my coworkers about Pete and my sister's nipple story, but I was drunk so that doesn't count.
But that's okay anyway, as she has just told me that her teachers tell Shana stories at their family reunions.

I got switched to Cymbalta yesterday after a fight with the nurse. I threw up all day. But that might be a lingering hangover.

And Pete and I are breaking up January 4th. This will lead to one to two weeks off work.

For an ass bubble.

All right, WTF?

I pour my HEART and SOUL out and the Google Bot comes up with "Girls Love Gay" and "Hot Asian Wife!" as the best ads for this blog???????????????

Sometimes I wake up and cry at night!

Yesterday Mom and I went Christmas shopping for Kristen. Mom was asking me about having another baby. I told her Jason still says, "neva" and I am wanting one. She told me Kristen needed a little brother or sister to grow up with. I was holding up an 18 mo sweatshirt that I thought would be nice for her to wear in the spring. I found matching sweatpants (but DON'T WORRY, they're not the crushed velour kind!). I held them up and pictured her strutting around in them in the next few months.
Mom turned around to see me bawling. Alarmed at this display of emotion, she said, "What is it??" I said, "LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" Mom began to laugh. She said, "Are you SURE you're not pregnant?"
No one understands me. They taste like the camper.
We decided to stop at a Dunkin Donuts for a quick donut and smoothie, because we had to hurry home. Neither of us realized that it was *US* and we'd get lost in our own homes if we got spun around fifteen times or so. After ten minutes of circling the city Mom used to live in and we've driven in nearly every day for our whole lives, we found it. But how to get in the drive thru? Some excerpts from the conversation as we circled the block:
"No, just go around the alley and the entrance will be in the back."
"No, it's a dead end."
"Oh Christ."
"THAT was a stop sign."
"Where?"
"Back there."
*scree*
"All right, turn here."
"How the hell..."
We pull up to the back of the parking lot. There is a painted lane the weaves through all the parking spots that leads to the drive through. I wish I'd had a camera. Maybe I will attempt to find the damn place again so you all can see.
We pull up and roll down the window.
***cchhhkkkkk***WELCOME to Dunkins, can I HELP you?
*frantic whispering* One minute!
*frantic whispering*
*me on my mom's bosom yelling at the loudspeaker* I want a small strawberry smoothie...
***cchhhkkkk***One minute!
*patient waiting*
***cchhhkkkk***HOW can I HELP you?
"I want a small strawberry smoothie""GET off me, make that two!"
"And a peanut butter filled donut with chocolate on top"
*shove*And a blueberry cake donut
"AND SOME HASH BROWNS!"

We pull around to the side of the store. Two giant poles greet us, one on each side of the car. The one on the left says, "Option 1 - Place money into red basket. Shut door. Wait." The one on the right says, "Option 2 - Hand money to cashier through passenger side. Get food through passenger side. Approximately two minutes faster than Option 1."
We decide on Option 2. Cashier opens window, and comes face to face with me wearing one sunglass over one side of my glasses. The magnetic sunglasses had broken and only one lens was on.

About an hour or so later, we were home, and my sister arrived. I was helping her film her autobiography and making helpful comments and helpfully munching chips. Her friend called to tell her she had been accepted at her and Shana's 'college of choice' (yes, that was a Perks quote for both of you). Shana began sharing her concerns about not getting in (grab your sides in advance).
When she was filling out her application, there was a spot by her name that said "Jr. Sr. III IV". She didn't know what it meant, so she circled Sr., because that's what grade she's in. She is now known to her college of choice as Shana ***** Sr. This greatly upsets her. She is thinking about writing them a letter to explain the mistake. She is afraid she won't get in. Sometimes she WAKES UP AT NIGHT AND CRIES because of this.
I was wiping tears out of my eyes. So was her friend on the phone. So was Mom. So was friend's Mom.

This password is really secure.

As, for two days, I have been trying to get into this mothereffing blog and haven't been able to because the password they made me type in is too good. And now I can't even remember what I wanted to say.

No phishing for me!

On second thought, maybe I shouldn't write this. Now I won't be able to get out of any ridiculous things I write and try to not take credit for later.

I WAS going to title this "Poop, Puke, and Lots of Snot"

Because that is what is happening in my house right now. Jason, Kristen, and I are all sick. Both Jason and I called off Wednesday. They sent me home today. I took Kristen to the doctor yesterday, all she has is a cold mixed with teething. AND both dogs AND Felix were throwing up Wednesday and yesterday.

Damn it all.