Life, By Kristen

8:45 Am: Am awakened by Mummy, clapping and singing that damn "Hey Krissy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" at the top of her tone deaf lungs. Obviously she does not realize I am trying to sleep. I growl at her. She shakes my crib and sings louder. FML.
9:00 Am: Crazy bitch comes at me with the comb. I cry, cling to my pillow, and cry "Noooo, more night night please!!!" She is unconcerned and just combs my hair out while I flail. Woman's got skillz.
9:05 Am: Poo potty. I recieve 2 lemonems. I don't know why she won't just let me move out already.
9:20 Am: I arrive at my Nana's, where I spend the rest of the day trying to get these damn peons to realize that the world is, in fact, mine. They cannot grasp this concept and keep denying me. One day.
5:15 Pm: Mummy arrives. Prats on for awhile with Aunt Shana. I don't even blink anymore at their shenanigans and tomfoolery. They keep making me make the turtle noise.
6:00 Pm: Arrive home to get ready for fair. Last time we went, they promised me food at the fair, and then it wasn't even opened yet. They heard about THAT all the way home.
6:20 Pm: Arrive at fair. Am not handed hot dog immediately. Sonsabitches.
6:45 Pm: Stuffed with hot dogs, I am now ready to ride. Ride ride ride ride ride. They insist on buying ham, which they call 'jerky'. They fool no one.
7:15 Pm: Am allowed to ride ONE ride. ONE. Mummy cries again when I ride by myself and wave happily to her. I think that one's gone off her meds. Must speak to Daddy.
8:30 Pm: Hear Mummy and Daddy talking about how I will crash on the way home. Ha!
9:15 Pm: Have just arrived home, after successfully interuppting their every conversation with cries of "Mom. Mom! MOOOMMMMUH!!" and then chatting about how one time she got her hair cut, this other time we went swimming, once we saw a big blue blimp, the cows EAT!!, I rode cars, when we go to the store I can see water behind the trees but no boats, Pap's boat is broken, and I get a cookie at the store. Mom has a headache.
9:45 Pm: Wait until Mummy and Daddy start having adult time to start wailing. Wait until it resumes and start again.