UPDATE

Jason is building me my own site. My first step to taking over the world has been hatched.

What do you think I should call myself? lifeloveandorganizedchaos.com is available, but rather long, isn't it? organizedchaos.com is taken. Organized-chaos.com may be - it pulls something up but it's blank. mylifeinblurb.com is not taken.

What to do...what to do.

Whoever picks my site name gets something. Adrienne, you are already getting something for winning my Blog Image contest. Shana is designing it and Jason is making the button. What do you want? A t-shirt? A mug? A second round of dry humping when we see each other again in August (not that you have much choice about that)?

I am attempting to make a poll to ask your opinions about the music.

But Blogger hates me. I can't do anything with this site.

WHEN CAN I HAVE A SITE OF MY OWN, JASON??? WHEN??

Until then, I will make do with asking you all to comment on it instead. Here are your options.

a - I like it!
b- Take it off, I'm at work!
c- Ugh. You have no taste and I hate it.

And today I held her sister.

Who weighs all of one pound. And squeaked and snuggled up and fell asleep. So I rubbed up her six sisters and brothers, who squeaked and crawled around and made me melt.

I am drooling with want.

Things I Never Thought I'd Have To Tell People

1 - No...we cannot take your chihuahua for the day and have it completely housebroken.
2 - No...we do not let the cats outside. Nor do we let them 'mingle' with the fifty plus dogs running madly around jumping on each other's heads.

Seriously, people??

Yesterday I got to hold a Greater Swiss Mt Dog puppy who was approximately six hours old. Euh em gee. I waaaaaannnnnnnnt her. I neeeeeeeeeed her. I know where she lives.

WHYTHEFRICKISTHERENOGARLICINMYHOUSE???

Anywhere? I stared at the spice rack in awe. I tore through the cabinet. I tore through the pantry. I stared at the spice rack again. I tore through the fridge. NONE. It's not THERE. HOW is there no garlic in my house?

WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS???

I am illogically upset by this. I popped a Xanax and felt better. But now I feel hyperventy again reminiscing.

I am about to kill pretty lady...and her retard stable boy.

Disclaimer: This was my first viewing of anything Get Smart. So I don't know what has been taken from the original and what is new. So when I lament about a stupid plot point...it may not be their fault. I will attempt to make this spoiler-free, as this movie is actually worth seeing on it's own, unlike That Other Movie.

I will start with the trailers.
Hellboy II - Hella lame.
The Dark Knight - So very excited. Sho very excited. Poor dead Heath. Man, did Heath Ledger have a thing for the Gyllenhaals or what? Not that you can blame him. Mmm...I'd totally be into a Heath/Jake/Maggie sandwich...oh shutup, brain!
Wow, the movie is starting? Only two trailers?

Overall? I laughed. Not quite as much as I had hoped to, but it was decently funny. There's a subplot with this really lame "Bad guys are people too...they hurt just like we do" feeling that plays out into an even lamer scene. The Max/Agent 99 'chemistry' felt really forced at first. Can you REALLY do that while skydiving? That makes me want to try it more. I don't like much that The Rock has done, but I loved him in this. I thought he played his part perfectly.
MAX LISTENED TO ABBA!!! My favorite dance around like a drunken prat song of all time is Does Your Mother Know, thanks to Johnny English. So I liked that part.
The twists are very predictable, and I never try to figure out twists. I just sit back and enjoy the ride. And I knew every 'twist'. Gorgeous Russian scenery.
There are some very sly pot shots at Bush that Jason and I enjoyed. The big finale chase scene was, as often happens, way overdone and unrealistic. But I liked the ending.

Three stars!

Get Smart

Will be reviewed either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon. Just so you know. Prepare yourselves. Get some popcorn and a beverage, and maybe a hankie or two.

And speaking of tissue-necessitating issues...Blanche (Pippi) and her new brother will be boarding with us next weekend. I am so excited. I can't wait to see her. I'll see her Tuesday when we start our next round of obedience classes.

I can't deal with this newfangled technology.

So I set up my blog to email me when I had a new comment. But I don't realize the people have commented on my blog and it's just an alert, so I email them back and respond. And then I go to my blog and wonder why the person has told me this twice.

Mission Accomplishable

That's actually a word. It doesn't look like it should be allowed to be one.
Thatcoolbroad has tagged me for a meme. The jury is still out on how to pronounce that. But we'll struggle on. The meme is to be a six-word biography of your life, inspired by the book Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs By Writers Famous And Obscure, by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser. In 2006, the editors of SMITH magazine asked its readers to describe their lives in six words (my favorite from reading the review - "Cursed with cancer. Blessed with friends." - Nine-year-old Hannah Davies).

Here are the instructions:

1. Write your own six word memoir;
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like;
3. Link to the person who tagged you;
4. Tag 5 more bloggers; and
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation
to play.

When tagged by TCB, I looked at all the brilliant summaries, thought about my life, and thought, 'Crap'. I looked at my TCB tshirt and cursed it. And then I admired how my boobs looked in it for a while (hey - cool broads don't say they're flat when they're not).
So I thought of describing words and anxiously did word counts into the night. I can't handle this.

But finally...I thought of something that describes me so far:
Compulsive neurotic learns how to smile.

And I'm doing pretty well.

And now...I pass the obsessing on to you!
I tag another day, spdy, jen (it can even be about your impressive cooking skillz), jeana, and anna (but I won't link yours, since your names are in it)

I need your help, LLOCs!

I need a button for a button exchange on The Mom Blogs. Jason can make me the button - but what do I put on it? I have no image. Or motto. Or anything catchy. The person who wins...gets...something. Tshirts. I need tshirts. Thatcoolbroad has tshirts. I won one. I'M WEARING IT RIGHT NOW.

WAIT WAIT I FORGOT

Elliot has a mood ring. It's very special to him. He remembers to grab it before he evacuates. The preteens they are fleeing with ask to see it, and they are messing with it. His response?
"HEY watch out DUDE that's MEANINGFUL to me!"

AND ANOTHER THING

Plot Hole 1: Why were some people flinging themselves off buildings and others watching in awe? In NYC and Paris, there was at least one person watching this all, horrified. Why didn't the toxins infect them? What about the people watching the lions?

Plot Hole 2: If you are escaping the killer grass (snarf), why run through fields of it? Why not hole up in a house and shut all the openings a la Signs? A HS Science teacher should know that if being around plants and trees is killing you, perhaps you should be NOT RUNNING THROUGH FIELDS AND FORESTS THE WHOLE FRICKIN MOVIE.

PLOT HOLE PLOT HOLE PLOT HOLE

My Review Of "The Happening"

Ahoy, LLOCers! Spoilers ho!

I am a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan. Huge. The Sixth Sense? One of my all-time favorites. Unbreakable was good. Not quite my favorite genre, but good. Signs was excellent. The Village got panned by critics, and I was stupid and read a spoiler, but man, when she is wandering through those woods and you hear her father start talking about how the creatures were rumored to be real...I still have to watch with a cat held up in front of my face snorting into it (the cat purrs happily). And then I can't go outside at night for a while without seeing Noah in costume.
Lady In The Water was kind of lame. Fairly amusing and intriguing, but kind of lame. So when I found out about The Happening, the first R-rated film, I was thrilled. I have been waiting, what, two years for this? We got a babysitter. I put on red pumps half a size too small. We went out to dinner.

And we completely wasted fifteen bucks. What the HELL was that?

I am completely disappointed. Mark Wahlberg is a very tall 14-year-old boy. The dialogue between Mark and his coworker, Julian, is awful and awkward (and HELLO! If you are going to be doing extreme close ups on a 20-foot tall screen, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, JOHN LEGUIZAMO!!!) And you don't just pull a pin out of your hair and stab it into your neck like that. Which we got a full view of. I always appreciated the psychological aspect of MNS's movies. This has NOTHING. NO substance whatsoever. Just:
1 - People calmly walking off buildings and splatting onto pavement (dear friends of people left standing there)
2 - Woman stabbing herself through neck with hair pin, sitting beside close friend or sister
3 - Man holding arm out for lion to rip off. Holds out other arm for other lion to rip off.
4 - Police officer shooting self in head. Falls to ground. Blood begins to spurt out of head.
5 - Julian (come on, the characters we're close to? The man who left his already traumatized daughter, desperately trying to save his wife) calmly picking up a piece of car glass (left after the driver of the car slammed into a telephone pole, sending bodies shooting out of the car and landing with a thud) and digging it into himself.
6 - A woman screaming with horror and misery and panic as she tries unsuccessfully to prevent her young daughter from committing suicide over the phone
7 - Sounds of the group the main characters were with shooting themselves one by one, as a member of the current group points out that there were children with the other group
8 - A preteen boy, trying to man up and get food for the eight-year-old girl, get shot point blank, blood spurts everywhere. His friend then gets shot point-blank in the skull. In front of the eight-year-old.
9 - Eight-year-old listening to all the reports of people dying and realizing her parents, whom she could barely speak when not in their presence, have killed themselves, and collapsing into misery.
10 - Elderly woman slamming her head into the wall and through windows (we are lucky enough to be on the other side), glass embedded into her face and eyes, until she is dead. *TRY TO HOLD ON, MRS. JONES! THERE'S ONLY TWENTY MORE MINUTES LEFT OF THIS MOVIE!*

All of this is in full view of the camera. The deaths of children upset me the most.

Also? At one point Wahlberg tells the group to wait here while he checks a truck. And then he skips off across the meadows with his arms held out, holding his giant leather satchel. I will never take him seriously again after this. No more tightey whitey ogling for me.

The basic 'plot' of the movie - The plants are all mad because we have become a threat to the planet, so they start releasing neurotoxins into the air that flip our self-preservation sensors in the brain around and make us kill ourselves. As the 'event' gets stronger, it takes a smaller and smaller group to set the toxin off. You have to run and beat the wind. Or something.

Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel (who plays a sarcastic blonde trying not to fall in love with a sugar-hyped Will Ferrell MUCH better) emerge from their buildings to meet their death twenty minutes after the event has ended, and then Alma (Deschanel) is pregnant, Jess (said eight-year-old daughter of Julian), starts school again, and all is well. But then it starts again in France.

Only good part? Elliot (Wahlberg) turns around in an abandoned house to find a potted plant staring at him (trust me, it is. You can tell). Elliot starts talking to the plant, telling him they're just here to use the bathroon, they'll be on their way, please don't eat me, etc. Then he realizes it's fake.

I don't think I'll ever be watching this movie again (ok, maybe the skip through the meadow part, it made me titter). In fact, I don't think I'll be going to see any more MNS movies. Ugh. LAME.

I like saying that word, apparently. About this movie.
And that makes me very sad.
And that is also lame.

/gavel

Shana would like you all to know that that's not it

S: "Stacy, Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States, right?"
M: "Yes."
S: "And what about Guam?"
M: "I'm not sure about that one. It's connected somehow."
*conversation drifts to other things*
S: "See? I'm only bad at the questions you ask me. I'm good at geography."
M: "Mhuh."
S: "I knew all along that New Mexico was a territory."
M: *laughs*
S: "No! I didn't mean that! I always confuse those countries!"
*pause*
S: "Awwww crap."

Which is ditzier, magically refilling hash or magically refilling glass?

Keep in mind, the magically refilling hash only happened once...the tale of magically refilling glasses is a lifelong flaw in my sister's life.

Shana went to NYC yesterday with her Drama Club to see a musical. She was telling me about their trip to the Jekyll & Hyde Club, where she had to deal with the trauma of living inside her brain. She wanted more water. A waitress came over and a friend asked for more sauce. Shana flipped because now she couldn't ask the waitress for water (she thinks it's rude to ask a waitstaff for more than one thing at once so she can't). The waitress came back with the sauce, and then another friend asked for sauce, so once again Shana couldn't. She finally got her water. The waitress apparently realized Shana was a little off (not hard to do when Shana panicked and slapped the first friend for beating her to request something) and decided to keep the water coming. Shana turned around and discovered a new glass of water had appeared out of the blue.

"Doesn't that happen to you? It freaks me halffreakingto death!!!" she says.

Ermkay.

SIDENOTE: Does anyone else think it would be awesome to visit the bar one or four times and then tour the place? Shana says things talk to you all over the walls. And sometimes from the floor. Or sometimes from the ceilings.

Pomp and Circumstance

In three and a half hours, I will be attending Shana's graduation ceremony. *sniffle* It seems like just a few years ago that her pearl necklace broke and she thought she was shedding nipples.

Wait...that WAS just a few years ago.

Good luck in the cruel, wide world, Shana! I know we've had this talk several times, and I know that you told me that after the first two times you learned your lesson, but PLEASE DO NOT put metal containers in the microwave. Don't worry, I'll make sure to tell your roomies to watch out for you. And we must meet on random days for DD brunches. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful life partner, and you can bring her for dinner whenever you would like.

CONGRATULATIONS!

I Don't Care What Kind Of Car It Is, You Twatmuffin

*slapping own fingers* Language, woman! We're supposed to be working on that!

But srsly. One of the dog owners came to work yesterday and told me this was the last time we'd be seeing the dog, he was going to the pound tomorrow. "Oh no, why?" I said. "Oh well, I got a new car and don't want him to mess it up. He just doesn't listen to me. He's a really good dog other than that."
Everything I can articuatly type when telling people off for this sort of thing left me. I said, "Well, have you tried our classes? They really..."
"Oh yeah, we took some once. He just doesn't listen."

Back up. I do NOT CARE for this dog. He's a beagle, and beagles are one of my least favorite dogs. Never would I own a beagle. This dog is a NUT. But he's a sweetheart. And that is one shittyass reason to ditch an animal that loves you and trusts you with his life. This dog is going to die. No one is going to adopt him in the condition he's in. People like this, who refuse to work with them and let us help them train him, make my fingers tighten (don't worry, their neck is in between only in my brain).

To make things worse, my coworker's aunt is looking for a beagle. CW told the dog owner this as she was leaving. "Oh, I don't want him to bite anybody, so I think this is best."

??? The dog doesn't bite!!!!

I am so mad remembering this I can't type anymore. I know that a lot of you aren't as passionate about this as I am. But I am. Grrrrr.


NEXT TIME: MY BABY SISTER IS GRADUATING!!!!

There's something in the pastry flour...

Is it just me, or are your Dunkin Donuts always packed with the elderly in the middle of the day? Not that there is anything wrong with people meeting with their friends over a casual meal at any age, but they do tend to get awful raucous around here...

I had the day off yesterday (short story - my grandmother had to have the lower portion of her leg amputated, and since my mother watches Kristen and had to be at the hospital, I had no sitter. G-ma's doing fine and is making every doctor and nurse in the vicinity wish they had forgone the degree and just stayed at McDonald's. That's my girl). Shana got out of school at 10:00 because of finals, so K and I went and picked her up. I wanted to see the apartment she is moving into, and we were hungry, so we went for some breakfast.

A man and woman, and their friend, were sitting at a table nearby chatting, whom we paid no mind to. We got our food and sat down and started talking to K and each other and eating. I don't know what they had been discussing, but suddenly a man (whom I'm pretty sure was a stranger) joined in from his table. They were discussing the evils of the world (which can all be summed up by, oh, everything I am). Things were getting heated. After pointing out how ignorant Democrats are, and how we never bother to research ANYTHING and just carry on and look stupid, the woman pointed out how that Nancy Puhloosey is a left-wing nut. I started giggling. K thought I was laughing at her and threw back her head and guffawed. Shana was lost.
They next pointed out how poor a choice Obama is (I was eagerly awaiting mention of the lack of lapel pin or of his middle name), and how the man in the couple would vote for Clinton over Obama, but he doesn't like either one.
Next thing I know, a giant man with a Dumbledore-like beard and a leather jacket came marching over and was telling them all about how he had just spent $45 to top of his tank and it was HALF FULL when he did it. I hear that. That's ridiculous (I didn't get the chance, however, to see if he was driving a gas guzzler). The man from the table over (who was now beside the third man in the original group) started hollering on about how Honda sent him a letter telling him they offer servicing on his vehicle, and how this is obviously a plot to make him drive more (color me intrigued). He them started going on about how they told him driving short distances is harder on your car than driving long distances. The woman suddenly pounded the table and yelled, "Take 'er out on the highway and open 'er up! Cut 'er loose!"
The four men stared at her in astonishment. Then they carried on.
Next, the man standing started telling them all about how he is addicted to nicotine. I'm pretty sure this man was a stranger too. "I just can't quit!" He yelled. The original man said, "Yes! Yes you can!" "No, I just can't do it! Listen to this! My mother, father, sister, and brother all smoked. My mother quit! My brother quit! My mother and brother and father all quit! My sister still smokes."

And next thing I knew, he was telling them all about how life is mind over matter and you just have to say no. Why he can't then quit his cancer sticks...I don't know.

And then there was a tapping on the glass. We turned around and there was another one with giant glasses, eyes, and smile, staring through the glass at Kristen. Shana screamed.



We finally reached the car. Liz likes to pull shit on me when she's PMSing, so my driver's side door is not opening (she'll give in eventually). Shana and I had a slap fight which resulted in me oozing over her to reach the drivers side. We buckled up and a car beeped. Another one did off to the other side. So I started. And then everyone did. "What's going on?" Shana asked. "Shenanigans", I answered. And off we went.
As we turned the corner, the car started beeping again, and someone leaned out of a taxi and started screaming, "DONUTS ON THE HOOD! DONUTS ON THE HOOD!"
I slammed on the brakes, Shana jumped out, grabbed the donuts off of the roof, and we sped away, laughing hysterically.

NEXT TIME: Why Getting A New Car Is No Excuse

Please to help me transfer my 15 million dollars?

LOL. An email just showed up in my box from a staff member of 'one of the leading banks in South Africa'. There was an executive whose plane went down since (sic) 2000 with his wife and daughter and they can't transfer it because the dollars are American. Why South Africa is involved in this, I can't be bothered to know, I was too busy giggling with glee that I actually got one.

I really want to email him back and mess with him. But Jason told me not too.

NEXT TIME - Why does crazy shit always happen to me at Dunkin Donuts (or 'Why Democrats Are Responsible For All That Is Wrong, Including This Wart)?

My Life In 30 Years

Jason and I are always saying that we see a lot of similarities between our marriage and Jason's parents' marriage. While we were at their house today (we alternate Sundays with each set of parents), I witnessed this.
Jason's mom knocked over a glass of ice water. Kristen was at her feet and stood there in shock. She began fussing at Jason's dad. Kristen bent over, picked up an ice cube, and shoved it in her mouth. Jason's mom took it from her. Kristen howled in anger, bent over, and picked up another and shoved it in her mouth. Jason's mom began cleaning up the mess while fussing at Jason's dad for leaving it out. Jason's dad made comments about her dirt in his hole. I don't understand. Kristen began slipping and falling on the floor (I picked her up and started feeding her pretzels). Jason's mom and dad continued to make fun of each other.
We sat back down at the table, while they carried on. Jason's dad said, "What do you call a K-L-U-T-Z?"
Jason's mom said, "I don't know, but she's married to an A-S-S-H-O-L-E."

And Jason and I looked at each other and laughed. It's like looking into a crystal ball.