Kristen on Christmas Trees, MURPH, and Her Mama

A Very Special Thanksgiving Post, With Help From Shana

This is what Shana is teaching my child how to do.

Why My Gym Teacher Messed Me Up For Life

When I was in high school, my gym teacher had a special teaching day. She got all the girls in half of the gym (the boys were not invited(?)) to teach us all how to Be Assertive (beep beep!) and how to Not Get Abducted. This involved dragging a boy over into our side and demonstrating the different ways one Prevents Getting Abducted (this includes walking tall and firm, firmly saying "No!", and firmly walking away, while simultaneously being not wishy washy or too polite, and also not being too argumentative or feisty). To demonstrate this, she had him pretend to pick her up as she showed us the different response options, and what the abductor's predicted response would be.
She also demonstrated Safe Car Entrance. She showed us how you have to power walk to your car looking LEFT and RIGHT and LEFT and RIGHT. And while you do this you have to walk with your car key poking out of between your fingers so you can Stab Someone's Eye Out if need be. And while you are power walking and looking BACK and FORTH, you also must be looking under your car to make sure no one is hiding under there. Because they DO. They will HIDE under your car.
And then you have to look in the backseat of your car to make sure they are not hiding in there. Because they DO. They will HIDE in the backseat of your car. Remember the urban legend, girls!!!

That day RUINED me. For life. I cannot get into my car without feeling around in the backseat. Even in daylight, even if I just put Kristen in the backseat and was looking in there. Not sure what this will do, other than make them knife me from the hand up. But it's a complusion - I have to check or I can't drive. Also, I cannot stand with my feet anywhere near my car in case there is someone under there. This makes getting Kristen in and out of her carseat very awkward. But it is also a compulsion. Some nights, when it gets really bad, I have to put Kristen in, jump in the front seat, feel around, and then buckle her up from the front seat.

You now have gained another insight into my crazy psyche.

I might actually talk about everything still relevant on my list

Halloween Pictures!
They day the costume came, I was so excited I was squealing. I pulled it out by the head, Kristen took one look at it, and screamed in horrah. I had to wrestle her into it (mean, but I figured it was the only way for her to see that it was okay). She hated it at first, but grew to yub it. She named it Cheddar (we ask her to say peacock and it comes out sounding like the word Cheddar) and asks to wear it constantly.

And how about some Kristen pictures?

This is her cat head sock. She did not enjoy it at first, but I think she's realized how cozy warm it is and she likes it.
















Drama queen.

Me and My Malfunctioning Boobies

Don't worry. This isn't going to be a My Lovely Cervie type post (ps - that link is NSFW. Nor anyone with eyes).

This post, actually, is inspired by That Cool Broad's post about Angelina Jolie and breastfeeding. Like Angelina and TCB, I has a load of difficulties breastfeeding, and I do think that stories like these need to be shared.

Being an Early Childhood major, breastfeeding was never a second thought for me - I was just going to do it. I was mad at my mom for months after I found out I was formula fed. I refused to look at any formula while pregnant, I only wanted bottles that worked best with breastfeeding.
After Kristen was born and cleaned and everyone held her, the nurse shooed everyone out of the room and I got ready for the most magical moment of my life (because hey - I tore top and bottom and watched it, so the one I just had didn't count).
The pain was incredible. The nurse assured me that Kristen was just very eager and we kept trying.
I think my toes, at some point, actually touched the front of my legs above them. The nurse went to get the lactation consultant.
The LC announced that Kristen's tongue was moving strangely and tried giving her a pacifier (she explained that she ordinarily wouldn't, but it might help her figure out how to move her tongue. Nothing.
After more evaluation, it was discovered that Kristen had a collapsed nerve (either from the way she had been laying or the way the OB grabbed her when coming out) and her tounge was swollen, so she couldn't move it right. In addition, I had an inverted nipple, and Kristen had such an amazingly strong suck, the nurses couldn't even bear to watch me trying to nurse her. I had bottles, pacifiers, nipple shields, nipple guards, etc., scattered all over my room. I was double pumping every three hours and hysterical that my baby was starving and I couldn't even give her something to eat.
The LC brought in a little bottle of ready-made formula with a cut in the nipple, and a NICU feeding tube. She stuck the tube in the bottle, taped the tube to her finger, and fed Kristen that way (once again, in complete amazement at how hard Kristen sucked), using her finger to gently get Kristen's tongue out of the way. It worked.
So from then on, I continued pumping (feeling very much like a cow). I would then use a syringe to suck the colostrum out of the pump bottle, attached a feeding tube to the syringe, and fed her with my finger. I couldn't pump unless I was watching her (neat how that works, isn't it? It always flowed easier if I was watching her).
We left the hospital, and of course had to scramble around with a three day old trying to get bottles, a pump, a bottle brush, formula, etc. We picked everything up, but I had problems pumping, since I didn't have access to the hospital pump and was frustrated. We continued tube feeding her with a combination of the formula and what breast milk I could get out.
And THEN engorgment struck. There was no way I could squeeze my overlarged, hard as a rock and so painful I screamed if I moved too fast boobs into that little plastic funnel and start jerking them around. So I quit four days after I came home.
A few days later, we had to go back to the hospital for a checkup, where I announced that I quit. I got her the colostrum, she was doing fine, and we were both so much happier and less stressed once I gave up.

I have heard a ton of horror stories about lactacion consultants and their breast is best manta. I was really nervous.
But I have to say...if you have the option of having your baby at Geisinger Medical Center, do it. Don't think about it. I live an hour away and we drove there at midnight in amazingly heavy fog. And I don't regret it. The whole experience was awesome and I cannot begin to describe how excellent the LC team is. They never guilted me into anything. That nurse I had who first started with me? Stayed after her shift was over because she could tell how upset I was, and rushed over as soon as she saw us come back for the checkup, telling me how she hated to leave and how she was thinking about me, and how she wants to get her LC experience so she can help more. The head LC was nothing but helpful and comforting, did not question my decision to quit, and told me to call her crying if I needed to vent at any point. If I had had some of these people that I have heard about, I think I would have had a breakdown so bad that I honestly think they would not have let me go home with Kristen.
If any of the Geisinger labor and delivery nurses are reading this...I cannot begin to describe what having a supportive team did for me. Thank you.

Shana's boob cave

I was going to do Kristen pictures, but...the camera and cord are alllll the way in the other room.

I was at my mother's a few weeks ago, and Shana and I were watching TV. I looked over to see Shana grabbing her boobs, squeezing them together, tucking her head into them, and making snorkeling sounds. I was intrigued, and slightly weirded out, so I just sad there with my mouth in a questioning 'o'. (I do that a lot around my sister.)

She looked up and yelled, "WHEN I DO THAT I CAN HEAR AN ECHO!!!! LISTEN!!!!"

And I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make noise. I just sat there with my head tilted back shaking. Shana was offended.

That Pretentious Heffer (Glade KHAmercials)

Oh yeah, I was supposed to talk about all that, wasn't I?

Anyone who knows me in real life, and probably virtually too, now knows how I feel about the new glade campaign. Glade Plug Ins. Glade Spray. Glade Deodorizer. Glade Candles. Glade glade glade. Plug in Candle Room Mist EatMe.

Ha. That should get their blog-keyword-checkers sucked in. Now listen.
I HATE the Glade commercials. She is such a silly, pretentious, shallow woman. Who does the things she does? "It's French from France"?? Who expects her friends to believe she has candles imported from France? And she's always so overdressed and always get laughed at.
And WHY, in the name of my rtard dog Caden, would any marketing geneeous base a campaign on a woman who is actually too embarrassed to admit to anyone that she actually uses your product?? What sense does this make? Why? "Our products work really well but they're so trashy and low class you'll have to hide their use from everyone!!"

World...please start running things by me first.

Reason #186 Why I Am A Bad Mother

This morning, I remembered that all of Kristen's pants were downstairs in the dryer. So I sat her on the bed with her brush, and ran downstairs while she absentmindedly brushing through her hair, saying, "Awwww. Piiiiiity."
By the time I ran down two flights of stairs, grabbed a pair out of the dryer, and ran back up two flights of stairs, she had found the bottle of lube we keep at the top of the headboard, unscrewed it, dumped it all over herself and the whole bed, and refilled it with dead batteries Jason had on his side of the headboard.

I am not sure which part disturbs me about myself more:
1- We left the lube where she could get it
2- We left batteries where she could get them
3- At the age of one and a half, my daughter just naturally assumes that lube and batteries go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.

That part is making me giggle, becoming Reason #187 - Women who are actually 12 year old boys should NOT be mothers.

Lazy Friday Poll

Look in your cell, find three random texts in a row, and share them.
Mine (Sent)
"PARTY HARD, BIG ROZ!!!!!!!"
"He got some on his phone"
"I like to move it move it"

EDIT- PS: Ever since I posted this, I have been air-hula hooping to the I Like To Move It Move It song. I'm very white. I've also been into the Corona again. You can tell by the way I am not only air-hula hooping but also doing the robot.


I Like To Move It - Watch more funny videos here

PUDGIE'S, MAN DOWN!!!!!!!

As Jason was getting ready for work this morning, I was awakened by rock music blaring out of Jason's cell phone and it vibrating, shaking the whole headboard and making it BZZZZT. After I put my heart back in my chest, I tried to answer, but I missed it. I didn't recognize the number, so I laid back down. Jason came in to say goodbye about five minutes later, so I told him. He left the room to call, and came back in saying, "Oh crap! Get dressed, someone broke into all the cars on the block."
I got dressed and went outside. Sure enough, Jason's Miata had stuff strewn everywhere, there was an empty cop car on the street. Then I noticed Jason's stereo and radar detector were still in the car. I went over to Liz. Still looked exactly the same as I had left her. I snorted at everyone who has ever said, "Oh, you still can't be too careful! People will steal any kind of car!"
I realized I hadn't seen Jason's tomtom, but didn't want to open the door in case. A neighbor came out across the street (the one who drove me to work), so I ran over to tell her that she was wrong, no one wants anything to do with Liz. Her car was in her garage and safe. The officer came back around and we started talking. As another mark of our small town, both the neighbor and I instantly knew this officer was brand new because neither of us had ever seen him before, but once he said his name we both knew his relatives (he'd been on four months).
We did find Jason's tomtom. They didn't take any of that. They broke in (shutup, the door was unlocked. You're supposed to leave convertibles unlocked. If you don't, they'll get in anyway because they'll slice your top open, so just let them in the door), broke his glove box open, and left all that in there. They took his dimes in his console.
Yes that's what I said.
Similar stories happened all up and down the block. Everyone's things were safe, but they took the change. Someone's wallet was found stripped inside someone else's car. Another neighbor knew her whole family and called her to come over. She had had a one dollar bill in it. That was gone. Nothing else was.
The officer told us that the conveinence store clerk had someone come in around 2:30 this morning and paid for something in about $25 in change. Dumb.ass.
As we all stood in a big circle discussing this, the officer told us that he had already investigated all the cars and took pictures, everyone's driver door had been left open, letting him know which cars had been hit. And everyone looked at me and started laughing. Oh THAT'S why Liz wasn't touched. That door hasn't worked in months, giving everyone an opportunity to stop what they are doing, watch, and laugh as I scramble over my seat to get in and out of my passenger side door.

HA! Liz...screwing owners and criminals alike since 1996.

Californians = the cat hair in my oatmeal.

Really now. I went to bed this morning SO HAPPY AND INSPIRED. And I wake up to find Prop 8 teetering on the edge? Why? I really do not understand.

But I still am extremely proud of my state (we had his back all along) and relieved at how everything turned out. McCain's speech was incredibly gracious and exactly what was needed. I do like him as a person, although of course I disagree on just about everything he stands for. I believe him when he speaks (which is why I was so outraged with him in the election), and believe he truly loves his country. The things his campaign got away with a straight face, I'll never get over, and Palin...thank god. I won't be doing my blog about her, because it's pointless now (thank god).
I hope McCain's speech was taken to heart, and he is involved in the new administration. I think it would be an amazing first step to unite the country, comfort Republicans who are afraid they will no longer be heard, and send an even better message to the world. It would be interesting to see how they could make it work without either person having to compromise their beliefs, but I really hope the shared sentiments last night were sincere.

Let's hope that, no matter what you believe, this means change for the better. My daughter will grow up not even having a second thought about a black person being able to become president, and that is very exciting to me.



NOW LET THE GAYS MARRY! WTF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU????