And the unlikely shit keeps rolling in...

A few weeks ago, we were at Jason's parents to spend the day (we alternate parents every Sunday). We were getting ready to go visit Jason's grandmother, when I heard Jason out front yelling for someone to call the police, the damn idiot hit his car (his Miata, his baby, the source of light in his eyes and warmth in his heart). I yelled for FIL to go help and went out front. There was one of the fools that lived in the apartment building beside IL's, sitting in his car, right back wheel on the curb, left front bumper wedged into the Miata's. He was sitting there in a stupor, holding his hands in the 'idahknow' position while Jason stood beside his window yelling at him, and alternately at the family on the porch to call the cops. FIL went out and inserted himself, and suddenly Jason's cries turned to, "Call the cops, this idiot is drunk!" while said idiot shook his head in disbelief. "AND his registration is expired!" Jason was beside himself.

The cops were called - the guy was hammered (at 1:15 PM on a Sunday morning). He was thrown up against the cruiser, slurring "Why are you arresting me?" as the cop (who I have known for quite some time, I taught his daughter when I worked in day care) yelled "DUI!" and carted him off. There was no damage to the Miata. It was, most unfortch, quite COPS-esque.

The car remained, half on the curb, for a few days, and then it disappeared, and that was that.

This morning, the officer showed up at our door and served Jason with a subpeona to appear in court next Wednesday. The guy's defense? "I wasn't driving."

*insert face you're probably making right now as well*

Officer: "Yeah...I know".

I'm going to court with Jason. Screw him, he can handle himself without me...I just want to hear this.

How does this shit happen to one person?

Soon after we got our house, about three years ago, we were getting ready for bed. I was laying on my side and Jason decided that the room was too cold, so he sat down 0n my side to shut the window. The frame broke. Literally split in two and we went sailing to the floor. We had to put the mattress and box spring on the floor and sleep on that.
NO ONE believed us that that was how it happened. Not even our parents. Everyone thought we had been been getting it on, because a wooden bed frame doesn't just SNAP. We got grief for months.

A few mornings ago, we woke up in our water bed, and Jason commented that he must have been sweating in his sleep really badly, he was soaked. We got out of bed and looked down at the drenched sheets. Oh crap. We frantically pulled the sheets of to discover a nice big hole in the water bed.
What the frick? We had just been asleep! How does a water bed just POP while you're asleep? We've had the cats on it (not by choice, they sneak into the room). We've had the 80 pound dogs on it (who break in in the middle of the night and decide the time is ripe for a cuddle). And it never happened. We were just laying on it and it sprung a leak.
Who's going to believe THAT?

(oh, and for the inevitable random first person to answer, "Well I sure don't, you horny slut!", pissoffanddie. That is not the point of this exercise.)

Sorry. I get like that when I am extemely tired.

Feel free to call me a dweeb and move on.

Today's post will elaborate more on song lyrics that skeeve the hell out of me. Because I just notice things like that. I do it with TV and movie plots and commercials as well.

Pop Quiz!

I know you're home
you left your light on
you know I'm here
the night is thin
I know you're alone
I watched the car leave
your lover is gone
let me in

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

Seven...minute....aye-ubs.

You want in?

It is 1:12 AM.

I am watching an Infomercial about poop.

Internal cleansing, to be more specific. It helps you poop. It's linked to anti-aging.

Ohkay.

EDIT: Ew ew ew this is so disgusting.

EDIT: Did you know some people are overweight because of their POOP? They are LITERALLY weighed down with compacted POOP. POUNDS of poop.

EDIT: You don't HAVE to look at your stool to make sure the program is working...but most clients are so curious they just can't help looking to see what they have freed themselves of.
It leads to a greater feeling of bouyouncy, happiness, better hair and skin, a flatter tummy, and after all, you're getting rid of rotting putrid fecal matter.

EDIT: pfffffpptt.

EDIT: I think I need to go to bed.

Analysis Of A Mad Black Woman

Can I call her that, being that I am extremely white? Someone please advise me so I know whether or not to call Tyra Banks that in public, as I would like to prevent an extreme ass beating.

But srsly people. This woman is crazy. Bat shit crazy. I thought this as it is every time I watch ANTM. Her and her "I have in my hand... one more picture. This picture...is of one of the two girls standing in front of me. This picture...will be of one of you. The girl whose picture I do not have must go home. THIS MEANS that the girl whose picture I do have...is still in the running to becomeAmericasNextTopModel." And ON and ON and ON until the entire at home audience and every single bimbo model in the room is screaming in their heads YES YES! WE'VE FIGURED THAT PART OUT!

And then, I found this on YouTube, a parody of this (if you must, fast forward to 2:21, the first part is just a build up). And I thought..."hahaha...crazy bitch".

But THEN...someone showed me the next clip. And I thought, "This isn't real. This is an excellently pasted together fake thing, like that Tyra/Britney thing I saw before."
Sadly...it's not. It's real. I'm sorry the video and audio aren't in sync.

I'm not really sure where to begin. All I can say is this:
1 - I'm not sure I would want the BIGGEST...BEAUTY SECRET EVARR! (EVARR) from someone who is looking like that.
2 - I'm pretty sure everyone got that "Eye And Anything Cream" means "EYE and AnyTHING" from the title. But we're all accustomed to her overredundantness.
3 - w. t. f.

Are You Ready?

BTW - I highy recommend the parody link at the bottom of the screen.

EDIT: OH MY GOD. SHE'S A SQUATTER. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS HOW MUCH I HATE HATE HATE SQUATTERS. I WAS DESTINED TO HATE HER.