Day 2, by Kristen

8:45 Am: Jesus, does this woman ever shut up?
9:15 Am: Nana still does not understand that the world is mine. Also, the kittens scratched me. I treat them so well. See if I pick them up upside down and then drop them anymore.
5:00 Pm: Mum arrives and starts screeching with Aunt Shana. I burst in with both the hippo noise and the turtle noise. Nana judges Mummy.
5:30 Pm: Get ready for basheball game.
6:45 Pm: Arrive. It is about 80 degrees out, and humid. Since Mummy is the one who tried to talk everyone out of bringing me after THAT LAST TIME (that I had a lot of fun with, so I don't know what her problem is), I think I will refuse to sit on anyone's lap but her's, and ask to go potty every ten minutes and refuse to let anyone else take me. Then I will sit on the toliet and not go. This will show her.
7:00 Pm: Mascot comes out on the field. I love him. He's so funny. Wait. What is MeMe doing? She appears to be calling him over. Oh look! Here he comes! He's so funny! Yay! I really OH MY GOD HE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME QUICK CLIMB ON MUMMY'S HEAD THOSE BASTARDS ARE LAUGHING AT ME I AM GOING TO DIE THE DICK IS PRETENDING HE'S AFRAID OF ME WHY IS EVERYONE LAUGHING HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSOh, popcorn.
7:15 Pm: Where has the mascot gone? Why has he left? Where is he? I want to see him? Why won't he come back? He is so funny?
7:45 Pm: The mascot is in the stands! Look! Whee! I say hi? Please? Please? I want to OH CRAP HE'S COMING OVER SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH
9:00 Pm: Entertain everyone on the way home talking about Pap's booboo, the mascot is funny, Mom got her hair cut, we go swimming, I love Pooh Bear, I do NOT want to see the goose, the turtle noise (MeMe judges Mummy), I poo potty, the mascot is funny, PapPap's boat is broken, I went camping once, I have shoes on, and so on. Mummy has a headache.

Life, By Kristen

8:45 Am: Am awakened by Mummy, clapping and singing that damn "Hey Krissy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" at the top of her tone deaf lungs. Obviously she does not realize I am trying to sleep. I growl at her. She shakes my crib and sings louder. FML.
9:00 Am: Crazy bitch comes at me with the comb. I cry, cling to my pillow, and cry "Noooo, more night night please!!!" She is unconcerned and just combs my hair out while I flail. Woman's got skillz.
9:05 Am: Poo potty. I recieve 2 lemonems. I don't know why she won't just let me move out already.
9:20 Am: I arrive at my Nana's, where I spend the rest of the day trying to get these damn peons to realize that the world is, in fact, mine. They cannot grasp this concept and keep denying me. One day.
5:15 Pm: Mummy arrives. Prats on for awhile with Aunt Shana. I don't even blink anymore at their shenanigans and tomfoolery. They keep making me make the turtle noise.
6:00 Pm: Arrive home to get ready for fair. Last time we went, they promised me food at the fair, and then it wasn't even opened yet. They heard about THAT all the way home.
6:20 Pm: Arrive at fair. Am not handed hot dog immediately. Sonsabitches.
6:45 Pm: Stuffed with hot dogs, I am now ready to ride. Ride ride ride ride ride. They insist on buying ham, which they call 'jerky'. They fool no one.
7:15 Pm: Am allowed to ride ONE ride. ONE. Mummy cries again when I ride by myself and wave happily to her. I think that one's gone off her meds. Must speak to Daddy.
8:30 Pm: Hear Mummy and Daddy talking about how I will crash on the way home. Ha!
9:15 Pm: Have just arrived home, after successfully interuppting their every conversation with cries of "Mom. Mom! MOOOMMMMUH!!" and then chatting about how one time she got her hair cut, this other time we went swimming, once we saw a big blue blimp, the cows EAT!!, I rode cars, when we go to the store I can see water behind the trees but no boats, Pap's boat is broken, and I get a cookie at the store. Mom has a headache.
9:45 Pm: Wait until Mummy and Daddy start having adult time to start wailing. Wait until it resumes and start again.

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She did it again.

Shana's new Facebook status:

Fuck yeah, Vermont! They're the fourth state to legalize gay marriage. Why is it just us New England-ers being progressive? Get on that, rest-of-the-union!

We live in Pennsylvania. Have all our lives.

Oh, lovely, Shana.

Now all my ad spaces are trying to get the readers help for their yeast infections.

An update on the tape recorder story:
She still does not understand. I'm not sure how she thinks it works, as the last thing she said to me about it (while I was having a hysterical, tears in my eyes, breakdown, at Kristen's birthday party), "But it was saying ITALIC! And BOLD! And I'M A NEW TYPEWRITTER! WHY WOULD IT TELL YOU THAT??? WHY WOULD IT SAY THAT TO YOU???"
"Shana, do you think it was typing things...to me??" I said.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!" She screamed.

Yet another Shana story

I KNOW, right? I should just turn this into a Shana blog. But she's a goldmine of material. Be forewarned, this story deals with the unpleasantness that comes with being female.

I've told you all about the incessant lady itch, yes? Well, she finally went to get it taken care of. She had an infection. The doctor scolded her on her skinny jeans, and informed her that tight pants can cause those.* She was chagrined, she loves skinny jeans. I told her about how tight underpants can cause fertility issues in men. She talked about emo kids and how they must have grumpy crotches a lot. Maybe they were, in fact, emo because they had grumpy crotches. She made this statement as I was leaning out the car window picking up fast food, causing me to burst into hysterical, high-pitched bales of laughter, right in the poor girl's face. I'm sorry about that.
Back at her house, we were playing girly video games (Hey DJ!)/watching American Idol. Shana is in love with Adam. Love love. We were watching him, and Shana yelled, "Look at him! I bet he gets killer yeast infections!!
Oh wait..."


* She was also going to wear her shirt that said "I'm Fresh".

Why I Love My Sister

I had my wisdom teeth done Wednesday. I will discuss that later. The important thing is this conversation I just had over IM with Shana.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
Ith hath more teabath thuffed in me mouf

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
vhat you say

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
TEABAGTH!!! IN ME MOUF!!!

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
you have a teabag in your mouth?

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
yes
one on each side

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
vhy
chipmunkth.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
Jason says it's supposed to help with clotting, and they do make me mouf feel better

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
do you looka' fool?

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
oh hellz yes

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
are the tags hanging out? because that would be really funny.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
especially since I also have my head sock on
YES, YES THEY ARE

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAA
I lub you.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
stop, you're making me giggle, making me squeeze my mouth, making tea squirt out

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
LMAO I'M IMAGINING

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
I'M IMAGINING A TEA CUP BESIDE YOU AND IT'S SQUIRTING INTO THE CUP

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
I am blocking you

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
I am laughing to myself.
SIIIIISHER

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
NO!!

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
it's okay, I have settled

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
ohhhh
I may have to blog of this moment

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
it was a good moment, in my head at least

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
it was all around
except on my chin

The stupid ones in my life.

Last night, I opened my back door and called for Barkley and Caden. They wouldn't come. Some clapping and obscenities later, I could hear their collars jingling, but they still wouldn't come. I wimpily snuck around to the side yard, where it was dark and I couldn't' see them. I could still hear them jingling around. I thought perhaps the basement door had blown open, so I went in the house, went down to the basement, and opened the stair door. No dogs. I went to the front porch - they weren't running around in the street, and I couldn't hear any old ladies shrieking. I still heard them. I went back inside, to find Jason staring at me inquisitively. I told him what was going on, and he went outside to investigate. The back gate had blown open, and he found them running along the fence in the neighbors' yard, panicking and frantically trying to figure out how to get back in, as it was dark and they apparently forgot that the open gate was around the corner.

(PS - Only my dogs would have a break for freedom and spend it trying to get back in. It's what they do. When they do get out and a neighbor happens upon them, they spend their time hopping excitedly at them, and then immediately run up on our porch and continue hopping, waiting for the neighbor to ring the doorbell for them so I will let them in and call them retarts and cow udders and whatever else flies out of my crazy mouth (after I shut the door and the neighbor goes away). It's true)

ALSO! Shana found a used tape from my old typewriter. I had used all the reel up, so you could see the outline of everything I had written on it. Apparently, Shana found it, took all the tape out of it, and spent three hours reading it all. She was very, VERY confused. She confronted me with it, wondering what it was and how it happened, and I seized the day and convinced her that, "Duh, I had a tape recorder when we were little! Remember? They record the converstions, how else would they know to play it back!! Loser!!"
And now, up until she reads this blog post, she believes that there are little typewriters in tape recorders, physically typing everything that is spoken into them for playback value.

She's a stubborn one.

We got Liz inspected. It had been two months since we had been even able to drive her, so we were very excited to get everything fixed. New tires, driver's side DOOR!!, new side mirror, new brakes, new belts, etc.
$487 later, we were steadfastly ignoring how much it cost to be excited about having a working car. We opened the doors, yelled, "HEEYYYYY!" in celebration, and drove home. We got home, turned off the car, and














the driver's side door won't open.

The Pissy Kissy dance

The following is a video of my daughter when she has a bad day. Nothing wrong in particular, just gassy. Prior to this, she had screamed through an hour nap, came downstairs and screamed for EAT???, screamed all through lunch without touching anything, and then promptly began screaming for NIGH NIGHHHHHHT???
File this under: Why Stacy's Done Having Kids

Proof that baking in an insane asylum for nine months bodes no good.

We went to the mall. I was looking around for bras. Kristen was on her best behavior, and trying very hard. As most of you know, this is very hard for toddlers, especially a kid of mine. I could see the crazy just about leaking out her ears. She was looking around and I could see her dying to burst.
I was talking to one of the salespeople as she started shaking. I could practically hear whistles and sirens blowing.
Suddenly, in her little girly, high pitched, squeally voice, she threw her arms in the air and hooted, "BOOOOOOOBS!!!"
Having opened the bottle, she couldn't stop and mouth diarrhea hit. She screamed, "BUTT!!! 'GINAHHH!!! PeeeeewwwwwPPPPPPPPPPPP-PUH!!"
And then she fell over. Ate carpet right there.

NTS: Ask pedi about prevalence age of Tourette's at next checkup.