Pomp and Circumstance

In three and a half hours, I will be attending Shana's graduation ceremony. *sniffle* It seems like just a few years ago that her pearl necklace broke and she thought she was shedding nipples.

Wait...that WAS just a few years ago.

Good luck in the cruel, wide world, Shana! I know we've had this talk several times, and I know that you told me that after the first two times you learned your lesson, but PLEASE DO NOT put metal containers in the microwave. Don't worry, I'll make sure to tell your roomies to watch out for you. And we must meet on random days for DD brunches. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful life partner, and you can bring her for dinner whenever you would like.

CONGRATULATIONS!

I Don't Care What Kind Of Car It Is, You Twatmuffin

*slapping own fingers* Language, woman! We're supposed to be working on that!

But srsly. One of the dog owners came to work yesterday and told me this was the last time we'd be seeing the dog, he was going to the pound tomorrow. "Oh no, why?" I said. "Oh well, I got a new car and don't want him to mess it up. He just doesn't listen to me. He's a really good dog other than that."
Everything I can articuatly type when telling people off for this sort of thing left me. I said, "Well, have you tried our classes? They really..."
"Oh yeah, we took some once. He just doesn't listen."

Back up. I do NOT CARE for this dog. He's a beagle, and beagles are one of my least favorite dogs. Never would I own a beagle. This dog is a NUT. But he's a sweetheart. And that is one shittyass reason to ditch an animal that loves you and trusts you with his life. This dog is going to die. No one is going to adopt him in the condition he's in. People like this, who refuse to work with them and let us help them train him, make my fingers tighten (don't worry, their neck is in between only in my brain).

To make things worse, my coworker's aunt is looking for a beagle. CW told the dog owner this as she was leaving. "Oh, I don't want him to bite anybody, so I think this is best."

??? The dog doesn't bite!!!!

I am so mad remembering this I can't type anymore. I know that a lot of you aren't as passionate about this as I am. But I am. Grrrrr.


NEXT TIME: MY BABY SISTER IS GRADUATING!!!!

There's something in the pastry flour...

Is it just me, or are your Dunkin Donuts always packed with the elderly in the middle of the day? Not that there is anything wrong with people meeting with their friends over a casual meal at any age, but they do tend to get awful raucous around here...

I had the day off yesterday (short story - my grandmother had to have the lower portion of her leg amputated, and since my mother watches Kristen and had to be at the hospital, I had no sitter. G-ma's doing fine and is making every doctor and nurse in the vicinity wish they had forgone the degree and just stayed at McDonald's. That's my girl). Shana got out of school at 10:00 because of finals, so K and I went and picked her up. I wanted to see the apartment she is moving into, and we were hungry, so we went for some breakfast.

A man and woman, and their friend, were sitting at a table nearby chatting, whom we paid no mind to. We got our food and sat down and started talking to K and each other and eating. I don't know what they had been discussing, but suddenly a man (whom I'm pretty sure was a stranger) joined in from his table. They were discussing the evils of the world (which can all be summed up by, oh, everything I am). Things were getting heated. After pointing out how ignorant Democrats are, and how we never bother to research ANYTHING and just carry on and look stupid, the woman pointed out how that Nancy Puhloosey is a left-wing nut. I started giggling. K thought I was laughing at her and threw back her head and guffawed. Shana was lost.
They next pointed out how poor a choice Obama is (I was eagerly awaiting mention of the lack of lapel pin or of his middle name), and how the man in the couple would vote for Clinton over Obama, but he doesn't like either one.
Next thing I know, a giant man with a Dumbledore-like beard and a leather jacket came marching over and was telling them all about how he had just spent $45 to top of his tank and it was HALF FULL when he did it. I hear that. That's ridiculous (I didn't get the chance, however, to see if he was driving a gas guzzler). The man from the table over (who was now beside the third man in the original group) started hollering on about how Honda sent him a letter telling him they offer servicing on his vehicle, and how this is obviously a plot to make him drive more (color me intrigued). He them started going on about how they told him driving short distances is harder on your car than driving long distances. The woman suddenly pounded the table and yelled, "Take 'er out on the highway and open 'er up! Cut 'er loose!"
The four men stared at her in astonishment. Then they carried on.
Next, the man standing started telling them all about how he is addicted to nicotine. I'm pretty sure this man was a stranger too. "I just can't quit!" He yelled. The original man said, "Yes! Yes you can!" "No, I just can't do it! Listen to this! My mother, father, sister, and brother all smoked. My mother quit! My brother quit! My mother and brother and father all quit! My sister still smokes."

And next thing I knew, he was telling them all about how life is mind over matter and you just have to say no. Why he can't then quit his cancer sticks...I don't know.

And then there was a tapping on the glass. We turned around and there was another one with giant glasses, eyes, and smile, staring through the glass at Kristen. Shana screamed.



We finally reached the car. Liz likes to pull shit on me when she's PMSing, so my driver's side door is not opening (she'll give in eventually). Shana and I had a slap fight which resulted in me oozing over her to reach the drivers side. We buckled up and a car beeped. Another one did off to the other side. So I started. And then everyone did. "What's going on?" Shana asked. "Shenanigans", I answered. And off we went.
As we turned the corner, the car started beeping again, and someone leaned out of a taxi and started screaming, "DONUTS ON THE HOOD! DONUTS ON THE HOOD!"
I slammed on the brakes, Shana jumped out, grabbed the donuts off of the roof, and we sped away, laughing hysterically.

NEXT TIME: Why Getting A New Car Is No Excuse

Please to help me transfer my 15 million dollars?

LOL. An email just showed up in my box from a staff member of 'one of the leading banks in South Africa'. There was an executive whose plane went down since (sic) 2000 with his wife and daughter and they can't transfer it because the dollars are American. Why South Africa is involved in this, I can't be bothered to know, I was too busy giggling with glee that I actually got one.

I really want to email him back and mess with him. But Jason told me not too.

NEXT TIME - Why does crazy shit always happen to me at Dunkin Donuts (or 'Why Democrats Are Responsible For All That Is Wrong, Including This Wart)?

My Life In 30 Years

Jason and I are always saying that we see a lot of similarities between our marriage and Jason's parents' marriage. While we were at their house today (we alternate Sundays with each set of parents), I witnessed this.
Jason's mom knocked over a glass of ice water. Kristen was at her feet and stood there in shock. She began fussing at Jason's dad. Kristen bent over, picked up an ice cube, and shoved it in her mouth. Jason's mom took it from her. Kristen howled in anger, bent over, and picked up another and shoved it in her mouth. Jason's mom began cleaning up the mess while fussing at Jason's dad for leaving it out. Jason's dad made comments about her dirt in his hole. I don't understand. Kristen began slipping and falling on the floor (I picked her up and started feeding her pretzels). Jason's mom and dad continued to make fun of each other.
We sat back down at the table, while they carried on. Jason's dad said, "What do you call a K-L-U-T-Z?"
Jason's mom said, "I don't know, but she's married to an A-S-S-H-O-L-E."

And Jason and I looked at each other and laughed. It's like looking into a crystal ball.