Life, By Kristen

8:45 Am: Am awakened by Mummy, clapping and singing that damn "Hey Krissy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" at the top of her tone deaf lungs. Obviously she does not realize I am trying to sleep. I growl at her. She shakes my crib and sings louder. FML.
9:00 Am: Crazy bitch comes at me with the comb. I cry, cling to my pillow, and cry "Noooo, more night night please!!!" She is unconcerned and just combs my hair out while I flail. Woman's got skillz.
9:05 Am: Poo potty. I recieve 2 lemonems. I don't know why she won't just let me move out already.
9:20 Am: I arrive at my Nana's, where I spend the rest of the day trying to get these damn peons to realize that the world is, in fact, mine. They cannot grasp this concept and keep denying me. One day.
5:15 Pm: Mummy arrives. Prats on for awhile with Aunt Shana. I don't even blink anymore at their shenanigans and tomfoolery. They keep making me make the turtle noise.
6:00 Pm: Arrive home to get ready for fair. Last time we went, they promised me food at the fair, and then it wasn't even opened yet. They heard about THAT all the way home.
6:20 Pm: Arrive at fair. Am not handed hot dog immediately. Sonsabitches.
6:45 Pm: Stuffed with hot dogs, I am now ready to ride. Ride ride ride ride ride. They insist on buying ham, which they call 'jerky'. They fool no one.
7:15 Pm: Am allowed to ride ONE ride. ONE. Mummy cries again when I ride by myself and wave happily to her. I think that one's gone off her meds. Must speak to Daddy.
8:30 Pm: Hear Mummy and Daddy talking about how I will crash on the way home. Ha!
9:15 Pm: Have just arrived home, after successfully interuppting their every conversation with cries of "Mom. Mom! MOOOMMMMUH!!" and then chatting about how one time she got her hair cut, this other time we went swimming, once we saw a big blue blimp, the cows EAT!!, I rode cars, when we go to the store I can see water behind the trees but no boats, Pap's boat is broken, and I get a cookie at the store. Mom has a headache.
9:45 Pm: Wait until Mummy and Daddy start having adult time to start wailing. Wait until it resumes and start again.

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She did it again.

Shana's new Facebook status:

Fuck yeah, Vermont! They're the fourth state to legalize gay marriage. Why is it just us New England-ers being progressive? Get on that, rest-of-the-union!

We live in Pennsylvania. Have all our lives.

Oh, lovely, Shana.

Now all my ad spaces are trying to get the readers help for their yeast infections.

An update on the tape recorder story:
She still does not understand. I'm not sure how she thinks it works, as the last thing she said to me about it (while I was having a hysterical, tears in my eyes, breakdown, at Kristen's birthday party), "But it was saying ITALIC! And BOLD! And I'M A NEW TYPEWRITTER! WHY WOULD IT TELL YOU THAT??? WHY WOULD IT SAY THAT TO YOU???"
"Shana, do you think it was typing things...to me??" I said.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!" She screamed.

Yet another Shana story

I KNOW, right? I should just turn this into a Shana blog. But she's a goldmine of material. Be forewarned, this story deals with the unpleasantness that comes with being female.

I've told you all about the incessant lady itch, yes? Well, she finally went to get it taken care of. She had an infection. The doctor scolded her on her skinny jeans, and informed her that tight pants can cause those.* She was chagrined, she loves skinny jeans. I told her about how tight underpants can cause fertility issues in men. She talked about emo kids and how they must have grumpy crotches a lot. Maybe they were, in fact, emo because they had grumpy crotches. She made this statement as I was leaning out the car window picking up fast food, causing me to burst into hysterical, high-pitched bales of laughter, right in the poor girl's face. I'm sorry about that.
Back at her house, we were playing girly video games (Hey DJ!)/watching American Idol. Shana is in love with Adam. Love love. We were watching him, and Shana yelled, "Look at him! I bet he gets killer yeast infections!!
Oh wait..."


* She was also going to wear her shirt that said "I'm Fresh".