To Be Fair To Shana...

I was in the car once on a road trip. We stopped at McDonalds. I got two hash browns. I was happily munching when I looked down and THE WORLD NO LONGER MADE SENSE. My hash brown had REFILLED ITSELF. It was WHOLE AGAIN. I began choking on my hash brown in shock, with such vigor that the driver frantically pulled off the road.

Then I looked in my other hand. That hand contained the hash brown I had been eating. I hadn't started on the other one yet.

Shananana And The Magical Vaginanana

I was at my mothers the other day picking up my daughter. Shana came bursting in the door.

"STACY! GUESS WHAT! MY VAGINA!"

"..."

"My vagina is MAGIC!"

"Oh God, not the damn TEETH again."

"It's a real thing! But that's not what this is about! Money comes out!"

"..."

"So me and Sara we were like in class talking and dude and like we were talking and did you bring my cell phone yet? and then dude like lesbian college I'm so afraid they won't let me in and like so I stood up and there was THIS!"
*produces quarter*
"And Sara was like DUDE! and I was like DUDE! and I thought it came out of my VAGINA!"

nft.

EDIT: I suppose you want to know the story behind the title. When Shana was in kindergarten, she was practicing writing her name and panicked because she forgot how many 'na's went in her name, so she just made a whole bunch for safety's sake. Mom got her paper and it was like her brain had been skipping, the na's ran straight off the page.

EDIT: It is my birthday.

This song annoys me so.

I hate this song. It's like the writer tried as hard as she could to come up with as many different ways of saying, "I picked up a hitchhiker, we found a hotel, and I did the nasty with him like a ho...over...and over...and over." The radio station I listen to at work plays it almost every day. I shall now break down the reasons why I hate it. The lyrics mostly speak for themselves. To the songwriter: A pox on your crotch and all those who dwell in it.


it was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.
So i pulled up alongside
And i offered him a ride. (himbo)
He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while.
I didn't ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me it's right,
Is this love at first sight?
Please don't make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.

All i wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All i wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to

So we found this hotel,
It was a place i knew well (slut)
We made magic that night. (Let's begin the count of how many times we get skeeved)
Oh, he did everything right (two)
He brought the woman out of me, (this is the weirdest way to put it eva)
So many times (four), easily (five)
And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note
I told him
"i am the flower you are the seed" (Can you imagine this poor guy, who probably just wanted laid, standing there reading this with the w.t.f. look on his face?)
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree (this is six, btw)
Don't try to find me,
Please don't you dare
Just live in my memory,
You'll always be there

All i wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All i wanna do is make love to you
I've got lovin' arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love (seven)
Love like strangers (yah, we get it now)
All night long (nine)
We made love
We made life (at this point, I begin imagining the 'eight weeks later' picture of cells dividing from Knocked Up. The dramatic music helps)

Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
I said "please, please understand
I'm in love with another man
And what he couldn't give me
Was the one little thing that you can"

WHAT. What happened to love at first sight??? You found a random guy and had sex for him because your husband couldn't get you pregnant??? Naice.

All i wanna do is make love to you (So I just slept with you and gave you that freaky stalker note for your sperm and never told you you had a child...sorry. I don't really want you for anything else...so I guess some sex will make up for it?)
One night of love was all we knew
All i wanna do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too

All night long (ten)
All night long (eleven)
All night long (twelve)
All night long (thirteen)


Next time: Shanananana And The Magic Vaginananana


EDIT: And now it is permanently lodged in my brain. It's an earworm. Thanks, anonymous.

I'm feeling much better now

Except for this image I now have stuck in my head.

I'm getting around much better, although I can't go very fast, so I just shuffle along slowly while pumping my arms as if I am running in slo-mo.

Jason tells me I was carrying on about the ceiling moving after they slipped me the mickey. I think he's lying.

My Sister Taught Herself How To Do Everything With Her Feet

She did this because she's afraid she'll someday lose her hands and she wants to be prepared.

I used to think "silly, paranoid, hypochondriac fool", but now that there is a HOLE IN MY ASS and I can't bend, I think "Brilliant!".

She also has to count her fingers and toes every night before bed to make sure she still has ten of each, but even through my drug-induced haze I ain't that crazy. But I've come a little closer to understanding her.