Day 2, by Kristen

8:45 Am: Jesus, does this woman ever shut up?
9:15 Am: Nana still does not understand that the world is mine. Also, the kittens scratched me. I treat them so well. See if I pick them up upside down and then drop them anymore.
5:00 Pm: Mum arrives and starts screeching with Aunt Shana. I burst in with both the hippo noise and the turtle noise. Nana judges Mummy.
5:30 Pm: Get ready for basheball game.
6:45 Pm: Arrive. It is about 80 degrees out, and humid. Since Mummy is the one who tried to talk everyone out of bringing me after THAT LAST TIME (that I had a lot of fun with, so I don't know what her problem is), I think I will refuse to sit on anyone's lap but her's, and ask to go potty every ten minutes and refuse to let anyone else take me. Then I will sit on the toliet and not go. This will show her.
7:00 Pm: Mascot comes out on the field. I love him. He's so funny. Wait. What is MeMe doing? She appears to be calling him over. Oh look! Here he comes! He's so funny! Yay! I really OH MY GOD HE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME QUICK CLIMB ON MUMMY'S HEAD THOSE BASTARDS ARE LAUGHING AT ME I AM GOING TO DIE THE DICK IS PRETENDING HE'S AFRAID OF ME WHY IS EVERYONE LAUGHING HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSOh, popcorn.
7:15 Pm: Where has the mascot gone? Why has he left? Where is he? I want to see him? Why won't he come back? He is so funny?
7:45 Pm: The mascot is in the stands! Look! Whee! I say hi? Please? Please? I want to OH CRAP HE'S COMING OVER SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH
9:00 Pm: Entertain everyone on the way home talking about Pap's booboo, the mascot is funny, Mom got her hair cut, we go swimming, I love Pooh Bear, I do NOT want to see the goose, the turtle noise (MeMe judges Mummy), I poo potty, the mascot is funny, PapPap's boat is broken, I went camping once, I have shoes on, and so on. Mummy has a headache.

Life, By Kristen

8:45 Am: Am awakened by Mummy, clapping and singing that damn "Hey Krissy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" at the top of her tone deaf lungs. Obviously she does not realize I am trying to sleep. I growl at her. She shakes my crib and sings louder. FML.
9:00 Am: Crazy bitch comes at me with the comb. I cry, cling to my pillow, and cry "Noooo, more night night please!!!" She is unconcerned and just combs my hair out while I flail. Woman's got skillz.
9:05 Am: Poo potty. I recieve 2 lemonems. I don't know why she won't just let me move out already.
9:20 Am: I arrive at my Nana's, where I spend the rest of the day trying to get these damn peons to realize that the world is, in fact, mine. They cannot grasp this concept and keep denying me. One day.
5:15 Pm: Mummy arrives. Prats on for awhile with Aunt Shana. I don't even blink anymore at their shenanigans and tomfoolery. They keep making me make the turtle noise.
6:00 Pm: Arrive home to get ready for fair. Last time we went, they promised me food at the fair, and then it wasn't even opened yet. They heard about THAT all the way home.
6:20 Pm: Arrive at fair. Am not handed hot dog immediately. Sonsabitches.
6:45 Pm: Stuffed with hot dogs, I am now ready to ride. Ride ride ride ride ride. They insist on buying ham, which they call 'jerky'. They fool no one.
7:15 Pm: Am allowed to ride ONE ride. ONE. Mummy cries again when I ride by myself and wave happily to her. I think that one's gone off her meds. Must speak to Daddy.
8:30 Pm: Hear Mummy and Daddy talking about how I will crash on the way home. Ha!
9:15 Pm: Have just arrived home, after successfully interuppting their every conversation with cries of "Mom. Mom! MOOOMMMMUH!!" and then chatting about how one time she got her hair cut, this other time we went swimming, once we saw a big blue blimp, the cows EAT!!, I rode cars, when we go to the store I can see water behind the trees but no boats, Pap's boat is broken, and I get a cookie at the store. Mom has a headache.
9:45 Pm: Wait until Mummy and Daddy start having adult time to start wailing. Wait until it resumes and start again.

Announcing DollhouseDecadence Designs

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She did it again.

Shana's new Facebook status:

Fuck yeah, Vermont! They're the fourth state to legalize gay marriage. Why is it just us New England-ers being progressive? Get on that, rest-of-the-union!

We live in Pennsylvania. Have all our lives.

Oh, lovely, Shana.

Now all my ad spaces are trying to get the readers help for their yeast infections.

An update on the tape recorder story:
She still does not understand. I'm not sure how she thinks it works, as the last thing she said to me about it (while I was having a hysterical, tears in my eyes, breakdown, at Kristen's birthday party), "But it was saying ITALIC! And BOLD! And I'M A NEW TYPEWRITTER! WHY WOULD IT TELL YOU THAT??? WHY WOULD IT SAY THAT TO YOU???"
"Shana, do you think it was typing things...to me??" I said.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!" She screamed.

Yet another Shana story

I KNOW, right? I should just turn this into a Shana blog. But she's a goldmine of material. Be forewarned, this story deals with the unpleasantness that comes with being female.

I've told you all about the incessant lady itch, yes? Well, she finally went to get it taken care of. She had an infection. The doctor scolded her on her skinny jeans, and informed her that tight pants can cause those.* She was chagrined, she loves skinny jeans. I told her about how tight underpants can cause fertility issues in men. She talked about emo kids and how they must have grumpy crotches a lot. Maybe they were, in fact, emo because they had grumpy crotches. She made this statement as I was leaning out the car window picking up fast food, causing me to burst into hysterical, high-pitched bales of laughter, right in the poor girl's face. I'm sorry about that.
Back at her house, we were playing girly video games (Hey DJ!)/watching American Idol. Shana is in love with Adam. Love love. We were watching him, and Shana yelled, "Look at him! I bet he gets killer yeast infections!!
Oh wait..."


* She was also going to wear her shirt that said "I'm Fresh".

Why I Love My Sister

I had my wisdom teeth done Wednesday. I will discuss that later. The important thing is this conversation I just had over IM with Shana.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
Ith hath more teabath thuffed in me mouf

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
vhat you say

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
TEABAGTH!!! IN ME MOUF!!!

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
you have a teabag in your mouth?

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
yes
one on each side

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
vhy
chipmunkth.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
Jason says it's supposed to help with clotting, and they do make me mouf feel better

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
do you looka' fool?

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
oh hellz yes

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
are the tags hanging out? because that would be really funny.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
especially since I also have my head sock on
YES, YES THEY ARE

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAA
I lub you.

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
stop, you're making me giggle, making me squeeze my mouth, making tea squirt out

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
LMAO I'M IMAGINING

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
I'M IMAGINING A TEA CUP BESIDE YOU AND IT'S SQUIRTING INTO THE CUP

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
I am blocking you

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
I am laughing to myself.
SIIIIISHER

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
NO!!

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
it's okay, I have settled

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
ohhhh
I may have to blog of this moment

goodness, that one almost got me. says:
it was a good moment, in my head at least

stacyandjason212@yahoo.com says:
it was all around
except on my chin

The stupid ones in my life.

Last night, I opened my back door and called for Barkley and Caden. They wouldn't come. Some clapping and obscenities later, I could hear their collars jingling, but they still wouldn't come. I wimpily snuck around to the side yard, where it was dark and I couldn't' see them. I could still hear them jingling around. I thought perhaps the basement door had blown open, so I went in the house, went down to the basement, and opened the stair door. No dogs. I went to the front porch - they weren't running around in the street, and I couldn't hear any old ladies shrieking. I still heard them. I went back inside, to find Jason staring at me inquisitively. I told him what was going on, and he went outside to investigate. The back gate had blown open, and he found them running along the fence in the neighbors' yard, panicking and frantically trying to figure out how to get back in, as it was dark and they apparently forgot that the open gate was around the corner.

(PS - Only my dogs would have a break for freedom and spend it trying to get back in. It's what they do. When they do get out and a neighbor happens upon them, they spend their time hopping excitedly at them, and then immediately run up on our porch and continue hopping, waiting for the neighbor to ring the doorbell for them so I will let them in and call them retarts and cow udders and whatever else flies out of my crazy mouth (after I shut the door and the neighbor goes away). It's true)

ALSO! Shana found a used tape from my old typewriter. I had used all the reel up, so you could see the outline of everything I had written on it. Apparently, Shana found it, took all the tape out of it, and spent three hours reading it all. She was very, VERY confused. She confronted me with it, wondering what it was and how it happened, and I seized the day and convinced her that, "Duh, I had a tape recorder when we were little! Remember? They record the converstions, how else would they know to play it back!! Loser!!"
And now, up until she reads this blog post, she believes that there are little typewriters in tape recorders, physically typing everything that is spoken into them for playback value.

She's a stubborn one.

We got Liz inspected. It had been two months since we had been even able to drive her, so we were very excited to get everything fixed. New tires, driver's side DOOR!!, new side mirror, new brakes, new belts, etc.
$487 later, we were steadfastly ignoring how much it cost to be excited about having a working car. We opened the doors, yelled, "HEEYYYYY!" in celebration, and drove home. We got home, turned off the car, and














the driver's side door won't open.

The Pissy Kissy dance

The following is a video of my daughter when she has a bad day. Nothing wrong in particular, just gassy. Prior to this, she had screamed through an hour nap, came downstairs and screamed for EAT???, screamed all through lunch without touching anything, and then promptly began screaming for NIGH NIGHHHHHHT???
File this under: Why Stacy's Done Having Kids

Proof that baking in an insane asylum for nine months bodes no good.

We went to the mall. I was looking around for bras. Kristen was on her best behavior, and trying very hard. As most of you know, this is very hard for toddlers, especially a kid of mine. I could see the crazy just about leaking out her ears. She was looking around and I could see her dying to burst.
I was talking to one of the salespeople as she started shaking. I could practically hear whistles and sirens blowing.
Suddenly, in her little girly, high pitched, squeally voice, she threw her arms in the air and hooted, "BOOOOOOOBS!!!"
Having opened the bottle, she couldn't stop and mouth diarrhea hit. She screamed, "BUTT!!! 'GINAHHH!!! PeeeeewwwwwPPPPPPPPPPPP-PUH!!"
And then she fell over. Ate carpet right there.

NTS: Ask pedi about prevalence age of Tourette's at next checkup.

A Quick Shana Story For Jen

I can't remember how we got on the subject, although I know Shana shared way too much with me about why her stomach was hurting. I told my mother she was having rectum issues.
Shana: "No, I'm not!!! That's the thing in your eye, right????"

I've been HAD!!!

Blah-Blah-Blogger tagged me for a meme. Heregoes.

5 Things I Was Doing 10 Years Ago:
*Getting acne
*Cleaning my room
*Writing angsty poetry
*'Studying'
*Doing other high school nerdy things

5 Things On My To-Do List Today:
*Go to work
*Go home from work
*Prepare family for Christmas parade
*Go to Christmas parade
*Veeeeeg

5 Snacks I Love:
*Wheat Thins - Sundried Tomato and Basil
*Chocolate Chip Cookies
*Strawberry ice cream
*Fruit (especially with cream cheese dip)
*Pringles

5 Things I’d do if I was a Millionaire:
*Pay off house, cars, bills
*Build our house (with a ton of land)
*Rescue a shitload of alpacas, llamas, and peacocks
*Save enough for Kristen to be comfortable
*Help our families

5 Places I’ve Lived:
*Here, bitch.

5 Jobs I’ve Had:
*Telemarketer
*Pier 1 Associate
*Day Care Teacher
*Dog Trainer
*Admin Assistant Temp

And I tag Thatcoolbroad, Sara, and MaiSpd.

Kristen on Christmas Trees, MURPH, and Her Mama

A Very Special Thanksgiving Post, With Help From Shana

This is what Shana is teaching my child how to do.

Why My Gym Teacher Messed Me Up For Life

When I was in high school, my gym teacher had a special teaching day. She got all the girls in half of the gym (the boys were not invited(?)) to teach us all how to Be Assertive (beep beep!) and how to Not Get Abducted. This involved dragging a boy over into our side and demonstrating the different ways one Prevents Getting Abducted (this includes walking tall and firm, firmly saying "No!", and firmly walking away, while simultaneously being not wishy washy or too polite, and also not being too argumentative or feisty). To demonstrate this, she had him pretend to pick her up as she showed us the different response options, and what the abductor's predicted response would be.
She also demonstrated Safe Car Entrance. She showed us how you have to power walk to your car looking LEFT and RIGHT and LEFT and RIGHT. And while you do this you have to walk with your car key poking out of between your fingers so you can Stab Someone's Eye Out if need be. And while you are power walking and looking BACK and FORTH, you also must be looking under your car to make sure no one is hiding under there. Because they DO. They will HIDE under your car.
And then you have to look in the backseat of your car to make sure they are not hiding in there. Because they DO. They will HIDE in the backseat of your car. Remember the urban legend, girls!!!

That day RUINED me. For life. I cannot get into my car without feeling around in the backseat. Even in daylight, even if I just put Kristen in the backseat and was looking in there. Not sure what this will do, other than make them knife me from the hand up. But it's a complusion - I have to check or I can't drive. Also, I cannot stand with my feet anywhere near my car in case there is someone under there. This makes getting Kristen in and out of her carseat very awkward. But it is also a compulsion. Some nights, when it gets really bad, I have to put Kristen in, jump in the front seat, feel around, and then buckle her up from the front seat.

You now have gained another insight into my crazy psyche.

I might actually talk about everything still relevant on my list

Halloween Pictures!
They day the costume came, I was so excited I was squealing. I pulled it out by the head, Kristen took one look at it, and screamed in horrah. I had to wrestle her into it (mean, but I figured it was the only way for her to see that it was okay). She hated it at first, but grew to yub it. She named it Cheddar (we ask her to say peacock and it comes out sounding like the word Cheddar) and asks to wear it constantly.

And how about some Kristen pictures?

This is her cat head sock. She did not enjoy it at first, but I think she's realized how cozy warm it is and she likes it.
















Drama queen.

Me and My Malfunctioning Boobies

Don't worry. This isn't going to be a My Lovely Cervie type post (ps - that link is NSFW. Nor anyone with eyes).

This post, actually, is inspired by That Cool Broad's post about Angelina Jolie and breastfeeding. Like Angelina and TCB, I has a load of difficulties breastfeeding, and I do think that stories like these need to be shared.

Being an Early Childhood major, breastfeeding was never a second thought for me - I was just going to do it. I was mad at my mom for months after I found out I was formula fed. I refused to look at any formula while pregnant, I only wanted bottles that worked best with breastfeeding.
After Kristen was born and cleaned and everyone held her, the nurse shooed everyone out of the room and I got ready for the most magical moment of my life (because hey - I tore top and bottom and watched it, so the one I just had didn't count).
The pain was incredible. The nurse assured me that Kristen was just very eager and we kept trying.
I think my toes, at some point, actually touched the front of my legs above them. The nurse went to get the lactation consultant.
The LC announced that Kristen's tongue was moving strangely and tried giving her a pacifier (she explained that she ordinarily wouldn't, but it might help her figure out how to move her tongue. Nothing.
After more evaluation, it was discovered that Kristen had a collapsed nerve (either from the way she had been laying or the way the OB grabbed her when coming out) and her tounge was swollen, so she couldn't move it right. In addition, I had an inverted nipple, and Kristen had such an amazingly strong suck, the nurses couldn't even bear to watch me trying to nurse her. I had bottles, pacifiers, nipple shields, nipple guards, etc., scattered all over my room. I was double pumping every three hours and hysterical that my baby was starving and I couldn't even give her something to eat.
The LC brought in a little bottle of ready-made formula with a cut in the nipple, and a NICU feeding tube. She stuck the tube in the bottle, taped the tube to her finger, and fed Kristen that way (once again, in complete amazement at how hard Kristen sucked), using her finger to gently get Kristen's tongue out of the way. It worked.
So from then on, I continued pumping (feeling very much like a cow). I would then use a syringe to suck the colostrum out of the pump bottle, attached a feeding tube to the syringe, and fed her with my finger. I couldn't pump unless I was watching her (neat how that works, isn't it? It always flowed easier if I was watching her).
We left the hospital, and of course had to scramble around with a three day old trying to get bottles, a pump, a bottle brush, formula, etc. We picked everything up, but I had problems pumping, since I didn't have access to the hospital pump and was frustrated. We continued tube feeding her with a combination of the formula and what breast milk I could get out.
And THEN engorgment struck. There was no way I could squeeze my overlarged, hard as a rock and so painful I screamed if I moved too fast boobs into that little plastic funnel and start jerking them around. So I quit four days after I came home.
A few days later, we had to go back to the hospital for a checkup, where I announced that I quit. I got her the colostrum, she was doing fine, and we were both so much happier and less stressed once I gave up.

I have heard a ton of horror stories about lactacion consultants and their breast is best manta. I was really nervous.
But I have to say...if you have the option of having your baby at Geisinger Medical Center, do it. Don't think about it. I live an hour away and we drove there at midnight in amazingly heavy fog. And I don't regret it. The whole experience was awesome and I cannot begin to describe how excellent the LC team is. They never guilted me into anything. That nurse I had who first started with me? Stayed after her shift was over because she could tell how upset I was, and rushed over as soon as she saw us come back for the checkup, telling me how she hated to leave and how she was thinking about me, and how she wants to get her LC experience so she can help more. The head LC was nothing but helpful and comforting, did not question my decision to quit, and told me to call her crying if I needed to vent at any point. If I had had some of these people that I have heard about, I think I would have had a breakdown so bad that I honestly think they would not have let me go home with Kristen.
If any of the Geisinger labor and delivery nurses are reading this...I cannot begin to describe what having a supportive team did for me. Thank you.

Shana's boob cave

I was going to do Kristen pictures, but...the camera and cord are alllll the way in the other room.

I was at my mother's a few weeks ago, and Shana and I were watching TV. I looked over to see Shana grabbing her boobs, squeezing them together, tucking her head into them, and making snorkeling sounds. I was intrigued, and slightly weirded out, so I just sad there with my mouth in a questioning 'o'. (I do that a lot around my sister.)

She looked up and yelled, "WHEN I DO THAT I CAN HEAR AN ECHO!!!! LISTEN!!!!"

And I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make noise. I just sat there with my head tilted back shaking. Shana was offended.