Day 2, by Kristen

8:45 Am: Jesus, does this woman ever shut up?
9:15 Am: Nana still does not understand that the world is mine. Also, the kittens scratched me. I treat them so well. See if I pick them up upside down and then drop them anymore.
5:00 Pm: Mum arrives and starts screeching with Aunt Shana. I burst in with both the hippo noise and the turtle noise. Nana judges Mummy.
5:30 Pm: Get ready for basheball game.
6:45 Pm: Arrive. It is about 80 degrees out, and humid. Since Mummy is the one who tried to talk everyone out of bringing me after THAT LAST TIME (that I had a lot of fun with, so I don't know what her problem is), I think I will refuse to sit on anyone's lap but her's, and ask to go potty every ten minutes and refuse to let anyone else take me. Then I will sit on the toliet and not go. This will show her.
7:00 Pm: Mascot comes out on the field. I love him. He's so funny. Wait. What is MeMe doing? She appears to be calling him over. Oh look! Here he comes! He's so funny! Yay! I really OH MY GOD HE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME QUICK CLIMB ON MUMMY'S HEAD THOSE BASTARDS ARE LAUGHING AT ME I AM GOING TO DIE THE DICK IS PRETENDING HE'S AFRAID OF ME WHY IS EVERYONE LAUGHING HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSHIT HOLYSOh, popcorn.
7:15 Pm: Where has the mascot gone? Why has he left? Where is he? I want to see him? Why won't he come back? He is so funny?
7:45 Pm: The mascot is in the stands! Look! Whee! I say hi? Please? Please? I want to OH CRAP HE'S COMING OVER SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH
9:00 Pm: Entertain everyone on the way home talking about Pap's booboo, the mascot is funny, Mom got her hair cut, we go swimming, I love Pooh Bear, I do NOT want to see the goose, the turtle noise (MeMe judges Mummy), I poo potty, the mascot is funny, PapPap's boat is broken, I went camping once, I have shoes on, and so on. Mummy has a headache.

Life, By Kristen

8:45 Am: Am awakened by Mummy, clapping and singing that damn "Hey Krissy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" at the top of her tone deaf lungs. Obviously she does not realize I am trying to sleep. I growl at her. She shakes my crib and sings louder. FML.
9:00 Am: Crazy bitch comes at me with the comb. I cry, cling to my pillow, and cry "Noooo, more night night please!!!" She is unconcerned and just combs my hair out while I flail. Woman's got skillz.
9:05 Am: Poo potty. I recieve 2 lemonems. I don't know why she won't just let me move out already.
9:20 Am: I arrive at my Nana's, where I spend the rest of the day trying to get these damn peons to realize that the world is, in fact, mine. They cannot grasp this concept and keep denying me. One day.
5:15 Pm: Mummy arrives. Prats on for awhile with Aunt Shana. I don't even blink anymore at their shenanigans and tomfoolery. They keep making me make the turtle noise.
6:00 Pm: Arrive home to get ready for fair. Last time we went, they promised me food at the fair, and then it wasn't even opened yet. They heard about THAT all the way home.
6:20 Pm: Arrive at fair. Am not handed hot dog immediately. Sonsabitches.
6:45 Pm: Stuffed with hot dogs, I am now ready to ride. Ride ride ride ride ride. They insist on buying ham, which they call 'jerky'. They fool no one.
7:15 Pm: Am allowed to ride ONE ride. ONE. Mummy cries again when I ride by myself and wave happily to her. I think that one's gone off her meds. Must speak to Daddy.
8:30 Pm: Hear Mummy and Daddy talking about how I will crash on the way home. Ha!
9:15 Pm: Have just arrived home, after successfully interuppting their every conversation with cries of "Mom. Mom! MOOOMMMMUH!!" and then chatting about how one time she got her hair cut, this other time we went swimming, once we saw a big blue blimp, the cows EAT!!, I rode cars, when we go to the store I can see water behind the trees but no boats, Pap's boat is broken, and I get a cookie at the store. Mom has a headache.
9:45 Pm: Wait until Mummy and Daddy start having adult time to start wailing. Wait until it resumes and start again.

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She did it again.

Shana's new Facebook status:

Fuck yeah, Vermont! They're the fourth state to legalize gay marriage. Why is it just us New England-ers being progressive? Get on that, rest-of-the-union!

We live in Pennsylvania. Have all our lives.

Oh, lovely, Shana.

Now all my ad spaces are trying to get the readers help for their yeast infections.

An update on the tape recorder story:
She still does not understand. I'm not sure how she thinks it works, as the last thing she said to me about it (while I was having a hysterical, tears in my eyes, breakdown, at Kristen's birthday party), "But it was saying ITALIC! And BOLD! And I'M A NEW TYPEWRITTER! WHY WOULD IT TELL YOU THAT??? WHY WOULD IT SAY THAT TO YOU???"
"Shana, do you think it was typing things...to me??" I said.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!!!" She screamed.